My day has not gone the greatest. I have so many incomplete projects.....part of me doesn't even want to complete them. I need to, yes, I am completely aware of that. I should fold the laundry and clear the table so sweetie has a place to eat. But, there is tomorrow and I worked my behind off yesterday going through 20+ years of accumulation. My house is so torn apart that I can't even find my glasses. Guess, I will be wearing contacts tonight unless they miraculously appear.
But the strangest thing happened a few minutes ago..........I got a blast from my past. A phone call from out of nowhere that sent chills through my body, a lump in my throat and a rush of emotions that I thought were buried so deep inside of me with hopes of never resurfacing. It was Joey. Joseph, in his professional circle, Joey to his friends, family, me and his wife. Yes, his wife.
Joey worked part time, as a second income, for the same company I did several years ago. In fact, a close relative of his, a relative of his started the company; later another relative took it over. The company was a family/friend based establishment where we shared a few things in common: Dysfunction and crazy Italian behavior.........(see every stereo-typical sitcom ever created).
See, Joey was handsome and charming, very handsome and charming and he came into my life at the most opportune time for HIM. I was separating after 16 years of marriage and he was miserable in his. So, needless to say, we "accidentaly" stumbled upon eachother. Yes, on my part, I will admit was accidental. I seriously never saw it coming. But, I was so wrapped up in my life changes that I probably, at that time, would not have seen nor heard a screaching ambulance behind me.
But, it did happen. We started off as friends, we worked together, so, of course, we had to get along. But, we were friends. He would help me with events that I did and afterwards, we would talk. He, unlike my soon to be ex, actually listened and seemed interested in what I was saying. He also remembered conversations and little stupid tid bits I shared with him for many years. He was so unlike ex...........He was bossy (not that I am not), oppinionated (not that I am not), and demanding (ditto). But, he challenged me. I am very competitve and I do like a good fight......This one, however, I lost!
I caved to that man like I have never caved before. My poor current sweetie, who is so great to me, who loves me so much, it took that poor man 3 months before I would accept an invitation to dinner. Well, I learned something. I do have to thank Joey for being such a great mentor on how to get your heart stomped. I, also, was the perfect student, naive, gullible, lonely, and severly depressed, at that time. But, if it wasn't him, it would have been some other fool. Clearly, at that time, I wasn't thinking. I was a mess, an emotional mess and very weak. Probaly the first time in my life I would admit to being weak.
He called today. It was the strangest thing to happen to me in a long time. And, I was so proud of myself! Oh, so very proud. He bascially made small talk and I just listened. I never really asked any questions because that would imply that I cared. How can you REALLY care about someone who stomped your heart? Yes, I am sure deep down inside. I still care for my ex-husband even though, at times, (many times, I might add,) I have visualized pinning him up against a wall with my SUV. Yes, I still have one. Boy # 1 drives it mostly. I, personally, hate SUV's, they are certainly not made for small people!
I never gave him any indication that I want to reconnect in any way, shape or form. It's done. I have moved on to such a better place. I really wish he could. He stays in a loveless marriage for all the wrong reasons. Money, I believe is probably the greatest motivator. I am sure the kids factor in as well, somehow. But, he was always about money, money, money. I, however, I want love and happiness (Al Green, I believe).........guess, I am a true romantic......nothing else matters more to me than ending the day with the one(s) you love. Old clique`......money sure as hell doesn't buy one happiness.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Rerun
I love my son dearly.....I should my sons........I love them both dearly. They each have their own personalities and each have a special uniqueness about them. I am happy about this because I basically raised them as twins. They are two years apart and when they were little, they were dressed alike, maybe a slight variation of the color scheme. They shared the same bedroom, played the same games, etc.......But now, they are their own young man/boy. I say boy because even though they want to be treated like men, they are still boyz.
My oldest has REALLY become his own man. He has deviated from his once slight preppy/pretty boy atire to a raging Goth. That was his "girl'z" suggestion....which doesn't delight me in the least, especially the tattoo (only one, thank God) and rediculous piercings. What a waste of time and money. I will talk more about the girl later. She can really get on my last nerve. And, I told her so.......more later.
But he is very sweet natured and tries real hard. He does. And ,he means well. But he has a few character flaws (don't we all?) that can irritate me to hell and back. I am completely aware of how severely he can spin me because he shares a few a his father's character flaws, yes, the same ones, that spun me like a top!
He's late for everything!!!!!!!! A chip off the old block (head). And, it's because of his hair. I mentioned the piercings and tattoo...but not the hair. It's spiked and I am not talking about the prettyboy/short spikes he was sporting in high school. I am talking the Statue of Liberty!!!!! He uses this glue stuff, that whatever he touches in the process, has this slimy, disgusting coating on it. It's just wrong! And, it takes forever, which in turn, causes him to be late..........!!!!!!!! Late for work, late for college, (was dropped from one class semester) all because of his hair!!!! I did mention he is male and NOT female......worse than a girl!
The sad thing is: he doesn't care how his tardiness affects other people. See, I firmly believe that perpetually late people are very self-centered and selfish. They send the message loud and clear that their time is more valuable and important than yours. It's all about them. Tardiness, in my brain, is also a passive/ aggressive, control issue.
Hi father and I always fought about his tardiness. He, like his son, was late for everything...........except one thing.........his band! Kids could be standing in front of school for a half an hour waiting for him, he wouldn't care..........Actually that happened to me outside of college. He was "running" so late that in the process to pick me up, he received a speeding ticket...Idiot, be on time and you won't have to break several traffic laws!
But, I am finding that my oldest shares this same trait and he is causing me to be late for my work. Yes, he works for me on the days he doesn't have class and why take two cars? I get very upset and stressed because, now, I am working twice as hard to make up for lost time. This is why I have named him: RERUN..........just like the guy from the old 70's show. For the life of me, I can not remember the name of the show..........all of the characters, but not the name of the show.
But my son is Rerun (he's not overweight.....we aren't that sterotypical Italian.........) hH's a rerun of his father.
I just hope he doesn't piss me off so bad that I kick his butt out also! Nah, just playing. I won't.
My oldest has REALLY become his own man. He has deviated from his once slight preppy/pretty boy atire to a raging Goth. That was his "girl'z" suggestion....which doesn't delight me in the least, especially the tattoo (only one, thank God) and rediculous piercings. What a waste of time and money. I will talk more about the girl later. She can really get on my last nerve. And, I told her so.......more later.
But he is very sweet natured and tries real hard. He does. And ,he means well. But he has a few character flaws (don't we all?) that can irritate me to hell and back. I am completely aware of how severely he can spin me because he shares a few a his father's character flaws, yes, the same ones, that spun me like a top!
He's late for everything!!!!!!!! A chip off the old block (head). And, it's because of his hair. I mentioned the piercings and tattoo...but not the hair. It's spiked and I am not talking about the prettyboy/short spikes he was sporting in high school. I am talking the Statue of Liberty!!!!! He uses this glue stuff, that whatever he touches in the process, has this slimy, disgusting coating on it. It's just wrong! And, it takes forever, which in turn, causes him to be late..........!!!!!!!! Late for work, late for college, (was dropped from one class semester) all because of his hair!!!! I did mention he is male and NOT female......worse than a girl!
The sad thing is: he doesn't care how his tardiness affects other people. See, I firmly believe that perpetually late people are very self-centered and selfish. They send the message loud and clear that their time is more valuable and important than yours. It's all about them. Tardiness, in my brain, is also a passive/ aggressive, control issue.
Hi father and I always fought about his tardiness. He, like his son, was late for everything...........except one thing.........his band! Kids could be standing in front of school for a half an hour waiting for him, he wouldn't care..........Actually that happened to me outside of college. He was "running" so late that in the process to pick me up, he received a speeding ticket...Idiot, be on time and you won't have to break several traffic laws!
But, I am finding that my oldest shares this same trait and he is causing me to be late for my work. Yes, he works for me on the days he doesn't have class and why take two cars? I get very upset and stressed because, now, I am working twice as hard to make up for lost time. This is why I have named him: RERUN..........just like the guy from the old 70's show. For the life of me, I can not remember the name of the show..........all of the characters, but not the name of the show.
But my son is Rerun (he's not overweight.....we aren't that sterotypical Italian.........) hH's a rerun of his father.
I just hope he doesn't piss me off so bad that I kick his butt out also! Nah, just playing. I won't.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
An end to a great evening
Last night...typical Saturday night.......They boyz had their plans and I had my own. One thing we share is that we always have dinner together on Saturday and Sunday night. That might seem weird to most people who work normal jobs. I, however, own my own Caffe` and I am a caterer. So, nights and weekends are spent either catering or helping with kid stuff (gee, how hard can it be....18 1/2 and 16 1/2.) Still, they need their mamma's help on some stuff. During the week, I either bring leftovers (special of the day) home from the Caffe`, or better yet, I want someone to wait on me so I either order in or my sweetie takes me out to dinner.
He needs to get away as much as I. He's divorced and has recently moved back home to help care for his very sick mother. All of the sibblings share in this effort. She's dying of a very horrible disease that sometimes makes one question one's belief that there really is a God. Because, my God, any way, would not let someone suffer so needlessly. It's horrible and so stressful for everyone involved. On the positive, she obviously was a great mom to her kids. They must love her dearly and she must have done something so very right because they are all sharing in her care. They all have put their lives either on hold or altered to care for this poor, sweet woman. Wow, I could have never have said the same thing about my soon to be ex-mother-in law. She WAS and IS Satan. Lou Gherig's (?) is an awful, nasty, just cruel disease.
But anyway, Italian Girl made Gumbo!!!!! OOOOOHHHHHHH and it was good. First time I have ever made the stuff. I have only been to the "South" once and that was North Carolina. It was very pretty but I seriously don't know if I could live in the South because, well, it's just different than what I am used to. But, that is to each his own.
The reasons for Gumbo............
1) It's not Italian and that is what I basically eat 24/7 (same concept though, can any one say a soupy risotto?)
2) It's good and I have always wanted to go to New Orleans
3) my sweetie is an African-American man that grew up on the stuff and his mom can no longer cook and I have a knack for picking men who can not even boil water....or according to him, CAN cook..(yeah, right) but feel intimidated by my ability to cook......(whatever, cop-out) and, I might add, my ex-husband has the monopoly on that line........
But, it was great and soooo completely relaxing. We decided that after dinner and after the boyz settled into their plans, we would go see a blues band. Great idea. Sweetie and I share many things in common. Our families come first and foremost over anything. We both work very hard (workoholics) and enjoy the same kind of music and ideals. Neither of us have ever been involved in an "inter-racial" relationship. We just found eachother and have been joined at the hip since. I might add, we also share the same personality........that can be good, and to my surpise has, or it can be bad. But, weird, it's been VERY good.
We had a great time as usual. We danced, we danced, but mostly we people watched. We both are always watching people. Actually, I should have put that in my profile under hobbies. I people watch, intently. It's almost an obsession. I seriously believe if you watch and analyze thoroughly, you can figure out someone's story. Or, at the very least, get some significant clues. One thing that I will give my ex-husband on HOW I contributed to the demise of our marriage. He hated my analytical skills and people watching obsession. And in my line of work, you have to have an ability to read people's thoughts and emotions because, most of the time, their body language or lack of words are actually louder and more recognizable that what they say or what their , I can't make up my mind, does say.
The Blues Club that we frequent ( I should enlighten my readers and clue them in that we met there) is filled with many, many stories. Or, to put it bluntly, filled with dysfunction. I was never a frequent patron of this club. Periodically, I would go with, at one time, my ex. After we separrated, once in a blue moon, with a few of my trusted girl friends. But, it was not high on my list due to the fact, that many of the people there are high on something. I wish I could say life, but I can't. More of a chemically induced high rather than a natural high........fragment, right? It's not an English class.........a blog. Rants.
After a wonderful night of dancing, laughing, being with each other in an adult setting, senza (Italian=without) boyz, we left to go home and just cuddle. When boyz are around, that is what we do......just cuddle or in sweetie terms, I really have to name him, "Hug up". I want my boys to grow into men and not have the notion or belief that women are play things. He wants to show the boys he only has the utmost respect for their mamma. So, no loud groans or noises coming from the opposite end of the house tonight. Older boy child is at home fighting with his dim witted, long distance, girl friend........get rid of her already, not good enough for you....crazy...... and another story in itself.
We start heading towards my car. I just bought a new car with some of the proceeds from the sale of some inheritted property. Again, another story. I love my new car. Black, shiny, sporty and fully loaded, leather etc..........fragment, for those checking.
Some random guy was standing in front of my car which I noticed immediately as he happened to notice me noticing him. How convenient for him that I happened to get some mascara in my eye and had to quit sweetie's and my quick approach to his standing and looking at my car. Well, he won. I am fishing black mascara out of my eye to give him enough time to get into his......mind you..........BMW and speed away.....senza getting his plate #.
Idiot! Backed into my car, put a nice scratch in my shiny, black car, and sped off..........Funny thing, he had about three hundred empty parking spaces in front of him. Absolutely no one!!!!!!
Reading is a treasured skill!!!!! It helps one diferentiate between the basic labeling of R Vs. D.........laymen's term........Reverse Vs. Drive. But if one was not high some chemical (alcohol included and weed) one could figure that out. Again, dysfunctional and now I have a nice scrape and cannot claim it on my insurance due to dedutible issues. One of the negative joys of having boyz............you get a higher deductible in order to afford the insurrance premiums.
Oh well, life is good. No one was hurt and I get to be with my sweetie tomorrow.
He needs to get away as much as I. He's divorced and has recently moved back home to help care for his very sick mother. All of the sibblings share in this effort. She's dying of a very horrible disease that sometimes makes one question one's belief that there really is a God. Because, my God, any way, would not let someone suffer so needlessly. It's horrible and so stressful for everyone involved. On the positive, she obviously was a great mom to her kids. They must love her dearly and she must have done something so very right because they are all sharing in her care. They all have put their lives either on hold or altered to care for this poor, sweet woman. Wow, I could have never have said the same thing about my soon to be ex-mother-in law. She WAS and IS Satan. Lou Gherig's (?) is an awful, nasty, just cruel disease.
But anyway, Italian Girl made Gumbo!!!!! OOOOOHHHHHHH and it was good. First time I have ever made the stuff. I have only been to the "South" once and that was North Carolina. It was very pretty but I seriously don't know if I could live in the South because, well, it's just different than what I am used to. But, that is to each his own.
The reasons for Gumbo............
1) It's not Italian and that is what I basically eat 24/7 (same concept though, can any one say a soupy risotto?)
2) It's good and I have always wanted to go to New Orleans
3) my sweetie is an African-American man that grew up on the stuff and his mom can no longer cook and I have a knack for picking men who can not even boil water....or according to him, CAN cook..(yeah, right) but feel intimidated by my ability to cook......(whatever, cop-out) and, I might add, my ex-husband has the monopoly on that line........
But, it was great and soooo completely relaxing. We decided that after dinner and after the boyz settled into their plans, we would go see a blues band. Great idea. Sweetie and I share many things in common. Our families come first and foremost over anything. We both work very hard (workoholics) and enjoy the same kind of music and ideals. Neither of us have ever been involved in an "inter-racial" relationship. We just found eachother and have been joined at the hip since. I might add, we also share the same personality........that can be good, and to my surpise has, or it can be bad. But, weird, it's been VERY good.
We had a great time as usual. We danced, we danced, but mostly we people watched. We both are always watching people. Actually, I should have put that in my profile under hobbies. I people watch, intently. It's almost an obsession. I seriously believe if you watch and analyze thoroughly, you can figure out someone's story. Or, at the very least, get some significant clues. One thing that I will give my ex-husband on HOW I contributed to the demise of our marriage. He hated my analytical skills and people watching obsession. And in my line of work, you have to have an ability to read people's thoughts and emotions because, most of the time, their body language or lack of words are actually louder and more recognizable that what they say or what their , I can't make up my mind, does say.
The Blues Club that we frequent ( I should enlighten my readers and clue them in that we met there) is filled with many, many stories. Or, to put it bluntly, filled with dysfunction. I was never a frequent patron of this club. Periodically, I would go with, at one time, my ex. After we separrated, once in a blue moon, with a few of my trusted girl friends. But, it was not high on my list due to the fact, that many of the people there are high on something. I wish I could say life, but I can't. More of a chemically induced high rather than a natural high........fragment, right? It's not an English class.........a blog. Rants.
After a wonderful night of dancing, laughing, being with each other in an adult setting, senza (Italian=without) boyz, we left to go home and just cuddle. When boyz are around, that is what we do......just cuddle or in sweetie terms, I really have to name him, "Hug up". I want my boys to grow into men and not have the notion or belief that women are play things. He wants to show the boys he only has the utmost respect for their mamma. So, no loud groans or noises coming from the opposite end of the house tonight. Older boy child is at home fighting with his dim witted, long distance, girl friend........get rid of her already, not good enough for you....crazy...... and another story in itself.
We start heading towards my car. I just bought a new car with some of the proceeds from the sale of some inheritted property. Again, another story. I love my new car. Black, shiny, sporty and fully loaded, leather etc..........fragment, for those checking.
Some random guy was standing in front of my car which I noticed immediately as he happened to notice me noticing him. How convenient for him that I happened to get some mascara in my eye and had to quit sweetie's and my quick approach to his standing and looking at my car. Well, he won. I am fishing black mascara out of my eye to give him enough time to get into his......mind you..........BMW and speed away.....senza getting his plate #.
Idiot! Backed into my car, put a nice scratch in my shiny, black car, and sped off..........Funny thing, he had about three hundred empty parking spaces in front of him. Absolutely no one!!!!!!
Reading is a treasured skill!!!!! It helps one diferentiate between the basic labeling of R Vs. D.........laymen's term........Reverse Vs. Drive. But if one was not high some chemical (alcohol included and weed) one could figure that out. Again, dysfunctional and now I have a nice scrape and cannot claim it on my insurance due to dedutible issues. One of the negative joys of having boyz............you get a higher deductible in order to afford the insurrance premiums.
Oh well, life is good. No one was hurt and I get to be with my sweetie tomorrow.
20+ years of meanigful crap
Bit of a harsh title?
Yeah!
I have so many projects going. Where to begin and what to complete and what have I fininshed? None of those questions I could possibly answer. Why? Like everyone on this planet...I am overwhelmed.
I got new windows today!!!!! Boring? You might think? Yeah, in perspective it is boring. But I have waited 20+ years to do any of the important upgrades on my house that many people do every 5-10 years. Lack of money was usually the main reason for procrastinating but mainly procrastination on both mine and my soon to be ex's part. Yes, I will share partial blame.........only partial.
My whole life, and I will be 43 some time this year, I only wanted a home and a family. My boys mean the world to me. Spoiled rotten and probably, but hopefully not, will not make great life partners. They are Mamma boys through and through. And spoiled. Mamma (that would be me) is a professional chef, who specializes in Italian food and they love to eat and they eat good. But enough of that. You will hear that all through my ramblings. Plus, I don't want to be lumped into a dark haired version of "Growing up Ghotti." They will and their spoiledness come up quite often.
So back to windows and 20+ years of meaningful crap. I am going through a nasty, horrible divorce. Are any of divorces good? Several years ago, I was seriously under the misconception that mine might fit under that category. But, boy was I delusional. Actuallty, pretty damn crazy and naive that I would buck the norm or any statistic.
See, I was 21 when I got married. I seriously, at the ripe old age, thought that I would be an old maid and that I HAD to get married. I HAD to have someone to share my life with. Unfortunately, a part of me today still believes that. I WANT and HAVE to HAVE someone to share my life with. And, by the greatness and goodness of God, I have found another. So much, thank God, unlike the other.
But, after window boy left, nice guy, did some catering for his family, but flaked on me several times, I decided I would start cleaning out an antique buffet that has housed my personl papers, pictures of my kids from, oh, their first breath of life and wrapping paper from Christmases of long ago...........seriously, long ago.
I asked the rhetorical question.............my grandma, who has been deceased since 1999, would she really care that I threw away the paper I wrapped a gift for her in shortly before she died? Probably not! Who would? But that's me.......typical Cancer....can't get rid of anything. Probably that'swhy I have been separated for 5 years and still have not filed for divorce. That will be soon, though. Very soon!
Anyhoo, it was tough. Seeing thoses two lovely boys, now, almost men, so tiny and sweet and all those smiling faces. They made me cry and cry hard. How I wish my family would have remained intact but........well, sometimes, it's just not meant to be and not for a lack of trying, I might add. I just don't know what went wrong. Yeah, I do and those are other stories that I will share.
It's easier for me to share, now. I still cry. I still get angry and the resentment..........did I mention the resentment? Even though I am happy in my current relationship, I still have pangs of resentment that can creep up at the strangest time and basically paralyze me with fear, anxiety and this horrible feeling that, at this moment, I can not put into words. Sure, they will come, but not now.
Well, my work is cut out for me. I have my dining room in shambles and ready to be put in boxes so the contractors (rip offs) can start the remodel project that I have wanted for 20+ years. I have unloaded not just candles, paper, knick knacks, but also some emotional baggage that I have been dealing with all day. It feels good. The first time I have kicked back since I woke up this morning. Ate my left-over Gumbo......Italian Girl made a great Gumbo last night.....and I got to do what I haven't done in so long. And that would be writing..........I have a ton of old diaries that I started when I first separrated. Now, we will digress.....go back in the past and see what brought me to where I am today. A so much happier place.
Yeah!
I have so many projects going. Where to begin and what to complete and what have I fininshed? None of those questions I could possibly answer. Why? Like everyone on this planet...I am overwhelmed.
I got new windows today!!!!! Boring? You might think? Yeah, in perspective it is boring. But I have waited 20+ years to do any of the important upgrades on my house that many people do every 5-10 years. Lack of money was usually the main reason for procrastinating but mainly procrastination on both mine and my soon to be ex's part. Yes, I will share partial blame.........only partial.
My whole life, and I will be 43 some time this year, I only wanted a home and a family. My boys mean the world to me. Spoiled rotten and probably, but hopefully not, will not make great life partners. They are Mamma boys through and through. And spoiled. Mamma (that would be me) is a professional chef, who specializes in Italian food and they love to eat and they eat good. But enough of that. You will hear that all through my ramblings. Plus, I don't want to be lumped into a dark haired version of "Growing up Ghotti." They will and their spoiledness come up quite often.
So back to windows and 20+ years of meaningful crap. I am going through a nasty, horrible divorce. Are any of divorces good? Several years ago, I was seriously under the misconception that mine might fit under that category. But, boy was I delusional. Actuallty, pretty damn crazy and naive that I would buck the norm or any statistic.
See, I was 21 when I got married. I seriously, at the ripe old age, thought that I would be an old maid and that I HAD to get married. I HAD to have someone to share my life with. Unfortunately, a part of me today still believes that. I WANT and HAVE to HAVE someone to share my life with. And, by the greatness and goodness of God, I have found another. So much, thank God, unlike the other.
But, after window boy left, nice guy, did some catering for his family, but flaked on me several times, I decided I would start cleaning out an antique buffet that has housed my personl papers, pictures of my kids from, oh, their first breath of life and wrapping paper from Christmases of long ago...........seriously, long ago.
I asked the rhetorical question.............my grandma, who has been deceased since 1999, would she really care that I threw away the paper I wrapped a gift for her in shortly before she died? Probably not! Who would? But that's me.......typical Cancer....can't get rid of anything. Probably that'swhy I have been separated for 5 years and still have not filed for divorce. That will be soon, though. Very soon!
Anyhoo, it was tough. Seeing thoses two lovely boys, now, almost men, so tiny and sweet and all those smiling faces. They made me cry and cry hard. How I wish my family would have remained intact but........well, sometimes, it's just not meant to be and not for a lack of trying, I might add. I just don't know what went wrong. Yeah, I do and those are other stories that I will share.
It's easier for me to share, now. I still cry. I still get angry and the resentment..........did I mention the resentment? Even though I am happy in my current relationship, I still have pangs of resentment that can creep up at the strangest time and basically paralyze me with fear, anxiety and this horrible feeling that, at this moment, I can not put into words. Sure, they will come, but not now.
Well, my work is cut out for me. I have my dining room in shambles and ready to be put in boxes so the contractors (rip offs) can start the remodel project that I have wanted for 20+ years. I have unloaded not just candles, paper, knick knacks, but also some emotional baggage that I have been dealing with all day. It feels good. The first time I have kicked back since I woke up this morning. Ate my left-over Gumbo......Italian Girl made a great Gumbo last night.....and I got to do what I haven't done in so long. And that would be writing..........I have a ton of old diaries that I started when I first separrated. Now, we will digress.....go back in the past and see what brought me to where I am today. A so much happier place.
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