I seriously get way too giddy over such little pleasures life has to offer us. I got a NEW bed and I am in Heaven! Oh, man........it has been way too long since I slept in a real bed. That sounds very strange doesn't it? If I was reading this, the first thought that would cross my mind would be: Whoopty fucking do.....a new bed?
Lady? You must lead one boring ass life if a new bed could boost you to the highest peak.
Well, it does......and I am happy, damn, it!
There is a story behind this........it has to do with my house and kids.
First off, last summer when the realization of my boyz' parents impending divorce became a huge reality (parents: would be idiot and me) they started acting out. Against eachother and against me. I live with them and it is more convenient for them to take crap out on me that their uninvolved and not open for discussion, father. Older boy's girlfriend (nut job) also played a part on his "behavior". He became a totally different and difficult person to be around.
But, they started fighting and it became physical....very physical. While I was trying to break up one of their Springer episodes, I was, and it was an accident, kicked in the ribs by whomever. And, it hurt. I also received a few bruises in the process....basically, I feel I took a couple of punches for the team.
I was able, on a few occasions, to get their father involved. He would come over and basically make matters worse, but most likely in his brain, (I question the existence of one) he was doing a good thing.
But, the support soon evaporated. He stated that his kids were not going to hold him hostage and that he wasn't going to jump through hoops to prevent any of this crap. Nor, would he be at my "beckon call." Gee, no new news there. You were never at my beckon call nor any call, for that matter......Mr. All-About-Me. He also said that I was an idiot for trying to break up a brawl between two, almost grown men and I basically got what I deserved for making such a bad desicion.
I just thought it was basic human instinct to pull apart two people that were seriously going for blood or worse. Just my humble opinion, not that it ever mattered.
The next time they had a fight, I came out with gallons of water to dump on whomever was the closest to me. It worked. Nothing like ice cold water to stop one in his tracks. No more for the team thing. Too painful.
But anyway, to stop all of this and try and create peace in my home, I separrated them. They each now had their own room. Only problem with that solution was........I gave up my room to my oldest including my queen size bed. I took my son's twin matress, excluding the box spring, and through it down on the floor to sleep. Three nights a week, I was at my parents' house and I slept in their bed. Since November, I have only slept in a real bed a few times. Usually, this was when I went out of town and that is very rare.
I knew that my property would soon sell and that I eventually would build an addition that would house me, my bed, my antique dresser(s), amoire, and have a huge walk in closet...........I am a clothes whore. Always have been, and always will be. That's just a part of me. I seriously wish I could be a shoe whore as well, but I wear a size 5 and the pickings are quite slim and expensive. It is a very luck day when I actually find a pair of shoes in my size and they happen to be on sale. Shoe god's are serioulsly watching my ass on that day!
I also planned on having my own bathroom. One where the toilet paper was always in abundance AND put on its little thingy. A bathroom that didn't reak of males......their body smell, their soiled clothing and most importantly: Not of that "urinal" smell either. Sorry, men stink.
But, that idea was put on hold. Hell, it's been put on hold for twenty years, thank you so much,,,,,,,,,EX.
During that wonderful period of my life that I will refer to as ; Suddenly Last Summer (the Motel's bad 80's song.......I do not know how nor why this stuff pops in my brain.........) I was supposed to receive a document stating that ex-man was going to give up his claim to all equity in this home. Period, done, it was mine.
I was advised not to sink a dime into this house until receiving this document because I would, essentially, be making him money which, in itself, is highly unfair. He never cared about our home and I have the photos to prove so.
So, since Suddenly Last Summer, I have been sleeping on older boy's twin mattress on the living room floor. Nice, huh? I feel like Arkansas............please, no one take offense............it's a comment that has been tossed around my home for years. Had to be there and understand the situation. The ex-mother-in -law hag of mine was from Oklahoma so I could never use that state as a reference for yards (such as my back one that ex also avoided) that were filled with debri, broken down appliances, kids toys that had grown roots, etc.....Sure, you get the picture.
But, yesterday? The queen size bed fairy delivered a new mattress set to me. And today? I woke up with virtually no pain. My three pinched nerves? Oh, my Good God! It's incredible. They haven't been bothering the holy hell outta me. My arms and fingers haven't tingled all day!!!! Whoo Hooo!
Yes, it takes up the living room and I feel like I am in Arkansas/Oklahoma........or, even cramped tenement in NYC.........but we do what we do. It's only temporary. It's only temporary. (say it enough times and you soon begin to believe it)
Sshhhhh. When everyone was asleep, Sweetie and I broke in the new mattress........a few times.
And, it keeps peace!
My boyz? They haven't acted out since? Septemeber.
I think my pops had something to do with that. My parents came home briefly in September for doctors' appointments and my father pulled each one aside to talk with them. They are very close to their Nonno and respect him.
Basically? I think he threatened that if they ever hurt his daughter again, (me) he would kick their ass.
That would be my pops!
One last thing to thank the mattress fairy for?
Monday is my biopsy and I can lay in comfort after what seems to be a very torturous, but neccessary proceedure.
More on that later.
Ciao,
angie
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
One Step at a Time
Today, the "Breast Imaging Center" called and scheduled my biopsy for the first Monday in April. Thank God it is the day AFTER April Fools because I am glad to not be the butt of anyone's "humor." I know, it's no joking matter and no one, in their professional office would even attempt to try out their "humor game" on something so serious. I guess it's just my way of trying to deal with the situation.
This proceedure seems just awful. I have had an appendectomy (?) when I was 18, gave birth to two children, the first was too intense and I wish my "labor" experience on no one. But, I think this is going to really suck. Really suck. Scarry Suck, as well. At least when labor is through you get to see the end result, immediately and the pain you felt, hmmm, 20 seconds ago? is just a faded memory that you can recall virtually every detail for the rest of your life. Weird.
And, I am scared. Within forty eight hours, I should have my results. Hopefully, negative on the cancer end but positive results for me. That would mean, no cancer. Period. Just a precautionary measure. Confusing? Stay tuned.
Sweetie and I were sitting outside Monday and enjoying the evening over "brew-pub" food and, for me, a glass of wine. The nights are sure getting warmer. We were sitting at this, oh about 16" round table, perhaps a little smaller but not much. I explained to him that this was my plate. And my plate was full........I don't want anything else on my plate. Nothing! My plate is really that big. It is not some 8" dinner plate. Damn, I would be happy with a charger, but not some out door table thing. I explained to him that I am at the end of my rope and can not deal with any other crisis that would not surprise me, to fall on my head. I told him that, for the first time in my life, I felt I really needed to talk with someone, professionally.
I have my girlfriends, my mother and him.......but I wanted advise from someone who is a trained professional on, basically, how to cope. Please, help me cope with all of this without seriously hurting myself, or say someone at Home Depot...hypothetically, that just pisses me off. Help me take a few steps back, perhaps count to ten, or whatever, just help me to contain my composure and not fly off the handle. My Italian temper can flare at the damnest times! Not an anger management problem, just a lack of patience. Oh, I forgot the emotional, break into tears thing and let others know that you aren't as strong as you claim. Another stero-typical Italian, woman thing. Don't want to go there.
But, more importantly............help me cope with my ex's attitude. Don't let me make an ass of myself in court or mediation because he has controlled the situation by saying something so blatantly incredulous or stupid that he has succeeded in pressing all of the right and or wrong buttons. This is kinda like the half full/empty glass concept. It is a point of view.
This is also, I am sure, what he is hoping for. He would love to see me jump out of chair and be in his face scraming. I won't let him control this any further. I need to have composure and CONTROL.
She's helping. The best part is? According to ex...........I am unstable. HaHa I am not!!!!! Not. She needed to put some diagnosis down so the insurance people will continue to pay....but nothing major.
Diagnosis: I am experiencing anxiety and insomia due to marital strife and impending medical procedures. Yes, that's true. Sweetie wasn't here last night and I woke up at 4:00 am and could not go back to sleep. I have experienced insomnia issues for about 6 years....off and on. I actually know, besides stress, what causes my insomnia. A completely different story.
But I am not emotionally disturbed like the ex would like me to believe. Anyone think he is TRYING to make me insane? In California, there are only two reason for disillusion of marriage: Irreconciable differences and insanity. Hmmmmmmm?
The wonderful part was hearing her tell me (I already knew this, but I guess I was seeking "validation") is that he minimizes me, my feelings and invalidates everything I do. I used to tell him this. This is emotional abuse and I didn't need to pay anyone to tell me this, but it sure boosted my self-esttem and squelched all of that self doubt I was suffering from. My $10.00 co-pay wasn't going to do too much damage, either.
Also??????? He is narcisitic. Gee, I knew that one as well............She also threw in passive/aggressive (duh!) and suffers from control issues.
Well, he no longer gets to control the situation. I have postponed, until May, and legal matters so I can deal with my health. His attorney advised him of this and he left me a message stating: "I have my perfect excuse to stall matters."
Nice, huh?
To hell with him.
I am now trying to deal with all that is on my plate. Besides my boyz, my health is my first priority and everything else can just wait. I seriously do not care. It will all be here in the morning, when I wake up. It's not going anywhere. Kinda like dirty laundry or dishes. They will always be there.
My ex? His quick resolution to end our marriage, on his terms? That will still be there and will be dealt with when I feel comfortable to deal with.
Give me my clean bill of health, please God! and sometime to "learn" how to deal with attitudes and we can move forward. I do hope she can teach an old dog new tricks.
I am going to go have a nice dinner with Sweetie and enjoy some great company.
Next week, I get hypnotized on how to deal with ex..............kinda a rold play thing but under hypnosis. Hypnosis is kinda fun. My major in college was social sciences with a huge psychology emphasis.
Everyone have a great weekend..............and think positively and be thankful for all of your blessings. Say a little prayer for me, please?
Ciao! Angie
This proceedure seems just awful. I have had an appendectomy (?) when I was 18, gave birth to two children, the first was too intense and I wish my "labor" experience on no one. But, I think this is going to really suck. Really suck. Scarry Suck, as well. At least when labor is through you get to see the end result, immediately and the pain you felt, hmmm, 20 seconds ago? is just a faded memory that you can recall virtually every detail for the rest of your life. Weird.
And, I am scared. Within forty eight hours, I should have my results. Hopefully, negative on the cancer end but positive results for me. That would mean, no cancer. Period. Just a precautionary measure. Confusing? Stay tuned.
Sweetie and I were sitting outside Monday and enjoying the evening over "brew-pub" food and, for me, a glass of wine. The nights are sure getting warmer. We were sitting at this, oh about 16" round table, perhaps a little smaller but not much. I explained to him that this was my plate. And my plate was full........I don't want anything else on my plate. Nothing! My plate is really that big. It is not some 8" dinner plate. Damn, I would be happy with a charger, but not some out door table thing. I explained to him that I am at the end of my rope and can not deal with any other crisis that would not surprise me, to fall on my head. I told him that, for the first time in my life, I felt I really needed to talk with someone, professionally.
I have my girlfriends, my mother and him.......but I wanted advise from someone who is a trained professional on, basically, how to cope. Please, help me cope with all of this without seriously hurting myself, or say someone at Home Depot...hypothetically, that just pisses me off. Help me take a few steps back, perhaps count to ten, or whatever, just help me to contain my composure and not fly off the handle. My Italian temper can flare at the damnest times! Not an anger management problem, just a lack of patience. Oh, I forgot the emotional, break into tears thing and let others know that you aren't as strong as you claim. Another stero-typical Italian, woman thing. Don't want to go there.
But, more importantly............help me cope with my ex's attitude. Don't let me make an ass of myself in court or mediation because he has controlled the situation by saying something so blatantly incredulous or stupid that he has succeeded in pressing all of the right and or wrong buttons. This is kinda like the half full/empty glass concept. It is a point of view.
This is also, I am sure, what he is hoping for. He would love to see me jump out of chair and be in his face scraming. I won't let him control this any further. I need to have composure and CONTROL.
She's helping. The best part is? According to ex...........I am unstable. HaHa I am not!!!!! Not. She needed to put some diagnosis down so the insurance people will continue to pay....but nothing major.
Diagnosis: I am experiencing anxiety and insomia due to marital strife and impending medical procedures. Yes, that's true. Sweetie wasn't here last night and I woke up at 4:00 am and could not go back to sleep. I have experienced insomnia issues for about 6 years....off and on. I actually know, besides stress, what causes my insomnia. A completely different story.
But I am not emotionally disturbed like the ex would like me to believe. Anyone think he is TRYING to make me insane? In California, there are only two reason for disillusion of marriage: Irreconciable differences and insanity. Hmmmmmmm?
The wonderful part was hearing her tell me (I already knew this, but I guess I was seeking "validation") is that he minimizes me, my feelings and invalidates everything I do. I used to tell him this. This is emotional abuse and I didn't need to pay anyone to tell me this, but it sure boosted my self-esttem and squelched all of that self doubt I was suffering from. My $10.00 co-pay wasn't going to do too much damage, either.
Also??????? He is narcisitic. Gee, I knew that one as well............She also threw in passive/aggressive (duh!) and suffers from control issues.
Well, he no longer gets to control the situation. I have postponed, until May, and legal matters so I can deal with my health. His attorney advised him of this and he left me a message stating: "I have my perfect excuse to stall matters."
Nice, huh?
To hell with him.
I am now trying to deal with all that is on my plate. Besides my boyz, my health is my first priority and everything else can just wait. I seriously do not care. It will all be here in the morning, when I wake up. It's not going anywhere. Kinda like dirty laundry or dishes. They will always be there.
My ex? His quick resolution to end our marriage, on his terms? That will still be there and will be dealt with when I feel comfortable to deal with.
Give me my clean bill of health, please God! and sometime to "learn" how to deal with attitudes and we can move forward. I do hope she can teach an old dog new tricks.
I am going to go have a nice dinner with Sweetie and enjoy some great company.
Next week, I get hypnotized on how to deal with ex..............kinda a rold play thing but under hypnosis. Hypnosis is kinda fun. My major in college was social sciences with a huge psychology emphasis.
Everyone have a great weekend..............and think positively and be thankful for all of your blessings. Say a little prayer for me, please?
Ciao! Angie
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
My Chi Chi's and the Boyz They Fed
What a day! That is because I think I am at a loss for words and can not express my day in words. I know how I feel, but I just can not put it into words. Or, at least the correct words. I know I am scared. Very scared.
I went for my second mammogram and ultrasound. I actually, and I am in no way a radiologist, could see the nodule myself. It's there. But when they did the ultrasound, they could not find it. O.K. That's good and it's bad. Good, because, hell, there may be nothing there. In my world, that would be great!. Nothing there. Bad, because it's on the mammogram and the radiologist can not detect it on the ultrasound and if she could, she would know what it is. Or, what it could be. If she could find it, she could identify it as, perhaps, a cyst, or something else. But, she can't. I guess when we attach lables to things, we can get a clearer picture as to what they are. Doesn't make much sense.......but?
So, now, I get to have a biopsy. There will be a small incision made and fluid and tissue drawn from my left breast and examined under a microscope. Pretty freaking scarry, in my world. And, right now, I hate my world. But, I am told "that most likely it's nothing, because we aren't seeing anything. But, we want to make sure."
O.K......better to be safe than sorry. I guess? Yes, I do guess. But, it is still pretty freaking scary.
I am so glad my mother went with me. She was the cool, rational one while I was suffering from anxiety and hysteria. She was great. In the car, she kept reminding me of calming down and that there was nothing wrong. Chill! I thank her for being there for me. She can drive me crazy, moms do that......but I love her!
The ex........I was talking about forgiveness? I was. WAS. He came over today to help the boyz with something. Bad mistake. I have been told or I should say "advised" to encourage him to be involved in their lives. Well, I told him my situation. I told him earlier about the first mammogram and he encouraged me to keep him informed. I told him about all of the stress I am having and so forth. I have been advised to do this. Fuck that!!!!!!
I actually changed "fucking" to "freaking" a few paragraphs ago, but fuck that, too!!!!! I need to be me. And, I don't say "freaking." Period! I am sorry for cussing but, oh-the-fuck- well. I think after my day, and being a grown up, I am entitled to use the word "fucking".
But back to ex.......I seriously do not know that man. He has changed and changed for the worse. He is the biggest asshole God has put on this polluted planet and I seriously do not know what I ever saw in him. The only thing I have to show from this relationship are two kids that I truely love. I don't really like them right now, but I do love them. But, the way he acted and what he said while I told him (advised, again) about my current situation is just deplorable.
No compassion.......void of any human sympathy or compassion that most "normal" people would express even upon hearing this about their worst enemy. It's all my fault. He said that if my life wasn't so screwed up (he's screwed it, royally), I would not be experiencing my current health issues.
Why?
Let's begin.
I am crazy. Not crazy....like damn, she's crazy.......crazy angie..........no certifiable crazy, according to him. Fucking Nut/Whack Job.
He once expressed this to our older son (he actually labled me...unstable) and I point blank asked the bastard why, then if I am so crazy /unstable you are not trying to get 100% custody of your said minor child? No answer. None. Being a parent, especially on a full time basis would definitely put a cramp in his life. He would have to be there. He would have to be involved. He would have to be a parent, for once.
I smoke. I am somewhat of a closet smoker....but I do smoke. And, yes, I drink wine. All of my "vices" were thrown at me as well. Trust me, anyone would have to cop a buzz to be near this man and we won't go into the latter part of my marriage on how copping a buzz was the only way I could stomach sex. You can't be too amorous with someone you seriously want to push a pillow in their face and hold it so very tightly for a long, long time. You need a buzz........and a good one at that!
I find it so weird.......again, for lack of better words....disgusting? Maybe. That when someone has no leg to stand on, they make up stuff to appear better that the other party involved.
Why? (yes, I know several fragments).
Now, my youngest son is very pissed off his father and me, but he tends to take it out on me. Well, he lives with me and I get to the good and the bad. I am not Disney Land. I am the main parent. I get the good and the bad. Today, was bad. His words: We act like Jack-offs........wow!
I am not feeling sorry for myself; this is reality. I am scared and still wonder why am I fighting? Yes, I know, it's in my nature. I have always been a fighter.....and a lover.......but I am fighter.
I will fight, for what reasons, I seriously do not know. I am sure as I continue to write I will find the real answers. I know the majority reasons are for my kids, my home and to always try and create an environment where everyone is safe and secure. Safe from the outside world. A place that both my boyz, at any point of their adult and soon to be adult lives can come back to and be safe. A place where I can be safe and happy.
I will fight for my heatlth and the continuation of my health care benefits........yes, said asshole has control over that. But I will still fight. I need the insurance. Right now, getting health isurance on my own, with a "pre- existing condition" may be a huge challeng that I can NOT fight.
What is wrong with this country and no universal health care?????? Yes, I am a liberal. I use the "L" word and am proud of it. Religious right??:::::: Jesus was the first liberal.........shhhhhhh.......pass it along.
I am not one of those "protect me from myself liberals" or a "nimby" (not in my back yard) but a true liberal. Equality. We live in the greatest and richest country and we, sorry, are all equals. My grandparents came here to give me a better life, and yes, they did.......but damn! Health care????? That is an easy one.
But most of all, I will fight for the future of my family. Their love, support, respect and their well being. That is my fight. I found it! And, the good part? I never lost it!
Forgiveness? Even if you don't love me anymore? Fuck that! I will forgive YOU for ME and only ME...........That will come soon, for ME. Because? I need it. It will definitely make ME healthier. I seriously don't care about you! Forgiving you for being the vile piece of human waste that you are will come many years later! I most likely will be dead......burried in my grave.......but, it will come..............one day. I finally get control over something.
Now..........I get to wait for said minor child to come home. I am not proud that he left...to get away (from his jack off parents) and cool down but, I still worry. I know I should have "forced" the issue and made him stay. But, he is almost a grown man. And, well, he's bigger than me. I know I AM the PARENT........but you deal with an almost 17 year old boy and on your own. It's truly hard. Maybe I should have called my pops? Please! This is not his responsibility even though he is been more of a father figure to them that their own father. i wish I would have been able to meet my Nonno.....he died right before I was born.
Thank God I have two wonderful parents that I truley love and will hate the day that they pass from my life. My pops' birthday is Saturday. Happy birthday!
To hell with advise........I will call my pops!
Oh, and Eve? You know? The chick from the Bible? That Eve! Thank you so very fucking much for eating the damn apple! You stupid, dumb ass! Do you know what shit you have caused because of your stupidity? Do you? Look around, girlfriend!
Because for whatever reason you thought was so important........you have made us the 'weaker" sex..........yeah, right, Labor?????? Oh, that was so much fun.......NOT! Aunt Flo? That hag? And my chi chi's.........Please, don't let anything be wrong with my chi chi"s.........you were one dumb ass, chick!
Dumb ass!
I went for my second mammogram and ultrasound. I actually, and I am in no way a radiologist, could see the nodule myself. It's there. But when they did the ultrasound, they could not find it. O.K. That's good and it's bad. Good, because, hell, there may be nothing there. In my world, that would be great!. Nothing there. Bad, because it's on the mammogram and the radiologist can not detect it on the ultrasound and if she could, she would know what it is. Or, what it could be. If she could find it, she could identify it as, perhaps, a cyst, or something else. But, she can't. I guess when we attach lables to things, we can get a clearer picture as to what they are. Doesn't make much sense.......but?
So, now, I get to have a biopsy. There will be a small incision made and fluid and tissue drawn from my left breast and examined under a microscope. Pretty freaking scarry, in my world. And, right now, I hate my world. But, I am told "that most likely it's nothing, because we aren't seeing anything. But, we want to make sure."
O.K......better to be safe than sorry. I guess? Yes, I do guess. But, it is still pretty freaking scary.
I am so glad my mother went with me. She was the cool, rational one while I was suffering from anxiety and hysteria. She was great. In the car, she kept reminding me of calming down and that there was nothing wrong. Chill! I thank her for being there for me. She can drive me crazy, moms do that......but I love her!
The ex........I was talking about forgiveness? I was. WAS. He came over today to help the boyz with something. Bad mistake. I have been told or I should say "advised" to encourage him to be involved in their lives. Well, I told him my situation. I told him earlier about the first mammogram and he encouraged me to keep him informed. I told him about all of the stress I am having and so forth. I have been advised to do this. Fuck that!!!!!!
I actually changed "fucking" to "freaking" a few paragraphs ago, but fuck that, too!!!!! I need to be me. And, I don't say "freaking." Period! I am sorry for cussing but, oh-the-fuck- well. I think after my day, and being a grown up, I am entitled to use the word "fucking".
But back to ex.......I seriously do not know that man. He has changed and changed for the worse. He is the biggest asshole God has put on this polluted planet and I seriously do not know what I ever saw in him. The only thing I have to show from this relationship are two kids that I truely love. I don't really like them right now, but I do love them. But, the way he acted and what he said while I told him (advised, again) about my current situation is just deplorable.
No compassion.......void of any human sympathy or compassion that most "normal" people would express even upon hearing this about their worst enemy. It's all my fault. He said that if my life wasn't so screwed up (he's screwed it, royally), I would not be experiencing my current health issues.
Why?
Let's begin.
I am crazy. Not crazy....like damn, she's crazy.......crazy angie..........no certifiable crazy, according to him. Fucking Nut/Whack Job.
He once expressed this to our older son (he actually labled me...unstable) and I point blank asked the bastard why, then if I am so crazy /unstable you are not trying to get 100% custody of your said minor child? No answer. None. Being a parent, especially on a full time basis would definitely put a cramp in his life. He would have to be there. He would have to be involved. He would have to be a parent, for once.
I smoke. I am somewhat of a closet smoker....but I do smoke. And, yes, I drink wine. All of my "vices" were thrown at me as well. Trust me, anyone would have to cop a buzz to be near this man and we won't go into the latter part of my marriage on how copping a buzz was the only way I could stomach sex. You can't be too amorous with someone you seriously want to push a pillow in their face and hold it so very tightly for a long, long time. You need a buzz........and a good one at that!
I find it so weird.......again, for lack of better words....disgusting? Maybe. That when someone has no leg to stand on, they make up stuff to appear better that the other party involved.
Why? (yes, I know several fragments).
Now, my youngest son is very pissed off his father and me, but he tends to take it out on me. Well, he lives with me and I get to the good and the bad. I am not Disney Land. I am the main parent. I get the good and the bad. Today, was bad. His words: We act like Jack-offs........wow!
I am not feeling sorry for myself; this is reality. I am scared and still wonder why am I fighting? Yes, I know, it's in my nature. I have always been a fighter.....and a lover.......but I am fighter.
I will fight, for what reasons, I seriously do not know. I am sure as I continue to write I will find the real answers. I know the majority reasons are for my kids, my home and to always try and create an environment where everyone is safe and secure. Safe from the outside world. A place that both my boyz, at any point of their adult and soon to be adult lives can come back to and be safe. A place where I can be safe and happy.
I will fight for my heatlth and the continuation of my health care benefits........yes, said asshole has control over that. But I will still fight. I need the insurance. Right now, getting health isurance on my own, with a "pre- existing condition" may be a huge challeng that I can NOT fight.
What is wrong with this country and no universal health care?????? Yes, I am a liberal. I use the "L" word and am proud of it. Religious right??:::::: Jesus was the first liberal.........shhhhhhh.......pass it along.
I am not one of those "protect me from myself liberals" or a "nimby" (not in my back yard) but a true liberal. Equality. We live in the greatest and richest country and we, sorry, are all equals. My grandparents came here to give me a better life, and yes, they did.......but damn! Health care????? That is an easy one.
But most of all, I will fight for the future of my family. Their love, support, respect and their well being. That is my fight. I found it! And, the good part? I never lost it!
Forgiveness? Even if you don't love me anymore? Fuck that! I will forgive YOU for ME and only ME...........That will come soon, for ME. Because? I need it. It will definitely make ME healthier. I seriously don't care about you! Forgiving you for being the vile piece of human waste that you are will come many years later! I most likely will be dead......burried in my grave.......but, it will come..............one day. I finally get control over something.
Now..........I get to wait for said minor child to come home. I am not proud that he left...to get away (from his jack off parents) and cool down but, I still worry. I know I should have "forced" the issue and made him stay. But, he is almost a grown man. And, well, he's bigger than me. I know I AM the PARENT........but you deal with an almost 17 year old boy and on your own. It's truly hard. Maybe I should have called my pops? Please! This is not his responsibility even though he is been more of a father figure to them that their own father. i wish I would have been able to meet my Nonno.....he died right before I was born.
Thank God I have two wonderful parents that I truley love and will hate the day that they pass from my life. My pops' birthday is Saturday. Happy birthday!
To hell with advise........I will call my pops!
Oh, and Eve? You know? The chick from the Bible? That Eve! Thank you so very fucking much for eating the damn apple! You stupid, dumb ass! Do you know what shit you have caused because of your stupidity? Do you? Look around, girlfriend!
Because for whatever reason you thought was so important........you have made us the 'weaker" sex..........yeah, right, Labor?????? Oh, that was so much fun.......NOT! Aunt Flo? That hag? And my chi chi's.........Please, don't let anything be wrong with my chi chi"s.........you were one dumb ass, chick!
Dumb ass!
Sunday, March 18, 2007
The Heart of the Matter......Forgiveness?
Music has always been a huge part of my life. I simply love music. I learned to play a guitar when I was very young but I mostly sang. I even won a few vocal competitions in my earlier years. My whole family has been involved in music. I married a musician........not a life I wish on anyone.
I was listening to a "smooth Jazz" station a few weeks ago....I seriously can take "smooth jazz" or leave it, but they were playing a song by India Arie. She has redone Don Henley's (Eagle dude) song: The Heart of the Matter. She does it waaayy better than the original, I think. Her vocals are very good and there is a nice groove to the song. It really made me think......Forgiveness? Even if you don't love me anymore.
I have always "tagged" a song to someone or to some event that was evident at certain points in my life. Hearing the song or songs years later would make me reflect and how far I have come from that point. Usually, from a very low point in my life, or an unhealthy relationship. I am sure most of us do this...... For me, it is a form of expression. Sometimes, we can not put into our own words the pain we feel. Someone else's words seem more descriptive or exact. Listen to any Smokey Robinson song after a break-up, you will know what I mean. He seems to get it so perfectly.
After hearing this version, I thought about my soon to be ex. We were separrated for 5 years before he beat me to the punch and filed for divorce at the end of January. I don't miss him. I did all of my crying years ago. Many years ago. I miss having my family intact. Sure, I have moved on; I have a wonderful man in my life and would not trade him for anything. But, it still hurts. Break-ups, especially after being with someone half of your life hurt. Bottom line!
Several parts really hit home.
1). And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
2001.....was just horrible on so many levels. I lost my job first, then he lost his after many years and things just went down the toilet. We just stopped communicating. He was never one for talking things out. I was always told to either go hang with my girlfriends or call my mother. He didn't want to hear me vent........his words.
2). I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Again, I don't miss him.......I miss my family. I seriously can't do this on my own. And, I am scattered. Very scattered. I do need to forgive him. I just can't right now. Especially, after being served with divorce papers that were so laced with lies and feeling that I have to defend myself constantly. And, all those lies he told our kids this past year? All of the damage control I had to do and defend myself? That will definitely take some time, probably a lot of time to forgive.
I am relearning how to do things constantly. The awful part, I have to call my dad sometimes to either get involved with the kids or to help me with a "man" thing. Soon to be ex stated several months ago that he will not do a thing around here and to find someon else to get involved. (He only has a monetary interest in this home and is only a father on paper.....birth certificate). I am in my early 40's and I am still calling my father to rescue me.
Sweetie helps me, but it's not his responsibility. These are not his kids nor his home. He has helped me with both car and home repairs, but I just hate asking for help. I know he will give it, but I just hate asking. Especially, since his family depends on him so much. I have to give it to him..........he is definitely a family man.
3). This is the big one::::
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside
Yes, my pride has been deeply wounded. Deeply. That started many years before we even parted. He has made me question everything. One thing I know for certain, I have been a great mother to those kids. He's tried to defame that as well. But, I know they love me. I do. Hell, they're with me constantly and if I am not here, they are calling me to find out where I am even though I just told them before I left.
Oh, the anger! Resentment should also be included, but I guess that is another songl. I have to let this anger and resentment go. It creaps up at the damnest times and cause trust issues, reclusiveness, and a myraid of health issues.
I hope that sometime, years in the future and after all of this is behind me, I can think about forgiveness. I have been told that I truley do not forgive things because I don't forget them. Do the two concepts or acts really work in unison?
I was listening to a "smooth Jazz" station a few weeks ago....I seriously can take "smooth jazz" or leave it, but they were playing a song by India Arie. She has redone Don Henley's (Eagle dude) song: The Heart of the Matter. She does it waaayy better than the original, I think. Her vocals are very good and there is a nice groove to the song. It really made me think......Forgiveness? Even if you don't love me anymore.
I have always "tagged" a song to someone or to some event that was evident at certain points in my life. Hearing the song or songs years later would make me reflect and how far I have come from that point. Usually, from a very low point in my life, or an unhealthy relationship. I am sure most of us do this...... For me, it is a form of expression. Sometimes, we can not put into our own words the pain we feel. Someone else's words seem more descriptive or exact. Listen to any Smokey Robinson song after a break-up, you will know what I mean. He seems to get it so perfectly.
After hearing this version, I thought about my soon to be ex. We were separrated for 5 years before he beat me to the punch and filed for divorce at the end of January. I don't miss him. I did all of my crying years ago. Many years ago. I miss having my family intact. Sure, I have moved on; I have a wonderful man in my life and would not trade him for anything. But, it still hurts. Break-ups, especially after being with someone half of your life hurt. Bottom line!
Several parts really hit home.
1). And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
2001.....was just horrible on so many levels. I lost my job first, then he lost his after many years and things just went down the toilet. We just stopped communicating. He was never one for talking things out. I was always told to either go hang with my girlfriends or call my mother. He didn't want to hear me vent........his words.
2). I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Again, I don't miss him.......I miss my family. I seriously can't do this on my own. And, I am scattered. Very scattered. I do need to forgive him. I just can't right now. Especially, after being served with divorce papers that were so laced with lies and feeling that I have to defend myself constantly. And, all those lies he told our kids this past year? All of the damage control I had to do and defend myself? That will definitely take some time, probably a lot of time to forgive.
I am relearning how to do things constantly. The awful part, I have to call my dad sometimes to either get involved with the kids or to help me with a "man" thing. Soon to be ex stated several months ago that he will not do a thing around here and to find someon else to get involved. (He only has a monetary interest in this home and is only a father on paper.....birth certificate). I am in my early 40's and I am still calling my father to rescue me.
Sweetie helps me, but it's not his responsibility. These are not his kids nor his home. He has helped me with both car and home repairs, but I just hate asking for help. I know he will give it, but I just hate asking. Especially, since his family depends on him so much. I have to give it to him..........he is definitely a family man.
3). This is the big one::::
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside
Yes, my pride has been deeply wounded. Deeply. That started many years before we even parted. He has made me question everything. One thing I know for certain, I have been a great mother to those kids. He's tried to defame that as well. But, I know they love me. I do. Hell, they're with me constantly and if I am not here, they are calling me to find out where I am even though I just told them before I left.
Oh, the anger! Resentment should also be included, but I guess that is another songl. I have to let this anger and resentment go. It creaps up at the damnest times and cause trust issues, reclusiveness, and a myraid of health issues.
I hope that sometime, years in the future and after all of this is behind me, I can think about forgiveness. I have been told that I truley do not forgive things because I don't forget them. Do the two concepts or acts really work in unison?
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Why Do You Blame Me for You? Why?
You hear all of the excuses as to why someone can't possibly do something. They will never, nor can not take ownership for their own shortcomings. There is always an excuse. The monopolied (sure it not even a word) excuse in my family tends to be ME!
Now, I am pissed. I look at all of the things I am fighting for and I seriously wonder why? I do love my boyz but I am pissed. Pissed off at the fact, that oldest boy is just lazy and is blowing off school and the youngest, whom I may add, has always been an almost straight A student is doing the same. I seriously wonder why I go out on a limb for these two? Seriously! Damn!
I feel my youngest is just rebellious and "is acting out." He is just blowing off stuff and I really feel he has a weed issue. Something I called him on earlier, which he could not confirm nor deny. When someone does not confirm my suspisions, I am sorry, I got my answer. It is usually confirmed. A yes. These kids have been brought up to NOT lie to me. I will serve your head to you on a silver platter if you choose this route. Yes, I have done the pee test.....another story.....and yes, I do know he does "indulge"......"to take the edge off." He has confessed. Something, I know is blamed on me (as well as his father, but can't tell him that). I hate divorce and family break-up. I hate it! I hate what it does to kids. They are the ones, truely, suffering. They may not tell you? But actions speak WAY louder than words.
Boy#1: HMMMMMMMMMM read older post! Rerun! He is just lazy and only cares about himself and how things affect him. His dad is waiting (my world: BEGGING) for him to screw up and not pay half of his college tuition. Well, he sure as hell is giving his "father" ammunition! Go to school AND do your assigned work. Easy. Guaranteed, you WILL pass the class.
Soon-to -be ex: Don't blame me for YOU not having a relationship with your kids!!!!! Stop! Tiresome and Done! Just stop. You had plenty of time........hmmmmmm, almost 19 years? I was also taking care of my parents house for 18 months and you were only ASKED to spend time with them 2 days out of the week and I WAS"NT HERE!!!!!!
You should have taken advantage of it instead of not showing up or showing up late because SUGAR MAMMA or band was more important!!!!!! Seriously, don't blame me because you can't (or I should say: WON"T ) get involved. Your excuse? "But, your there with them and ALWAYS in their face." Duh!!!!! I am raising them,. Where are you? I am sorry, I usually don't cuss toooooo much when I write...... notice the word write and not speak............MotherFucker! That is all I can say. He is just so wrong!
I went to a chrroiparcter today. I have been having this weird tingling in my finger sand elbow and really can't move that well. I have 3 pinched nerves.......one major due to a slipped disk........I knew I had that. I didn't want to go to the "doctor" because alls he wants to do is give me drugs. I don't do drugs. Sorry.
To health: Salud!!!!!!!! I swear, when this all over with, I am so outta here! Italia?????? Yes, you await me! To hell with my house and resposnsibilities! It's all about me, baby. Yes, I know that attitude, as I type with a left hand in brace and ice on my lefrt sholdure, will change tomorrow. But for now? I am SOOOOOO outta of here.
Mizz Angela has left the building! Boyz? Don't even try and call her numerous time. I don't have international on my cell. You do have another parent. Use him. Use him for all he's worth. My world? That would be nothing. EWWWWWW.............Damn, see I have to stay! I have to stay because, well they at least need one parent! Damn! I am really sooooo screwed.
Poor Sweetie.............he just called to tell me he will be here shortly. I just informed him that I am PISSED. The nice thing? He will let me vent for days on this subject. I started earlier and his initial reply was that kids take everything for granted and ARE selfish! But, in his infamous words: You spoiled them just like I spoiled mine. You only have yourself to blame. I do love real men. He is right! Damn!
Damn, I love that man! Thank you, Guardian Angel, Saint Joseph, whomever, my Grand Ma's? For sending me someone who truely cares about me! Ciao! Angela...........
Now, I am pissed. I look at all of the things I am fighting for and I seriously wonder why? I do love my boyz but I am pissed. Pissed off at the fact, that oldest boy is just lazy and is blowing off school and the youngest, whom I may add, has always been an almost straight A student is doing the same. I seriously wonder why I go out on a limb for these two? Seriously! Damn!
I feel my youngest is just rebellious and "is acting out." He is just blowing off stuff and I really feel he has a weed issue. Something I called him on earlier, which he could not confirm nor deny. When someone does not confirm my suspisions, I am sorry, I got my answer. It is usually confirmed. A yes. These kids have been brought up to NOT lie to me. I will serve your head to you on a silver platter if you choose this route. Yes, I have done the pee test.....another story.....and yes, I do know he does "indulge"......"to take the edge off." He has confessed. Something, I know is blamed on me (as well as his father, but can't tell him that). I hate divorce and family break-up. I hate it! I hate what it does to kids. They are the ones, truely, suffering. They may not tell you? But actions speak WAY louder than words.
Boy#1: HMMMMMMMMMM read older post! Rerun! He is just lazy and only cares about himself and how things affect him. His dad is waiting (my world: BEGGING) for him to screw up and not pay half of his college tuition. Well, he sure as hell is giving his "father" ammunition! Go to school AND do your assigned work. Easy. Guaranteed, you WILL pass the class.
Soon-to -be ex: Don't blame me for YOU not having a relationship with your kids!!!!! Stop! Tiresome and Done! Just stop. You had plenty of time........hmmmmmm, almost 19 years? I was also taking care of my parents house for 18 months and you were only ASKED to spend time with them 2 days out of the week and I WAS"NT HERE!!!!!!
You should have taken advantage of it instead of not showing up or showing up late because SUGAR MAMMA or band was more important!!!!!! Seriously, don't blame me because you can't (or I should say: WON"T ) get involved. Your excuse? "But, your there with them and ALWAYS in their face." Duh!!!!! I am raising them,. Where are you? I am sorry, I usually don't cuss toooooo much when I write...... notice the word write and not speak............MotherFucker! That is all I can say. He is just so wrong!
I went to a chrroiparcter today. I have been having this weird tingling in my finger sand elbow and really can't move that well. I have 3 pinched nerves.......one major due to a slipped disk........I knew I had that. I didn't want to go to the "doctor" because alls he wants to do is give me drugs. I don't do drugs. Sorry.
To health: Salud!!!!!!!! I swear, when this all over with, I am so outta here! Italia?????? Yes, you await me! To hell with my house and resposnsibilities! It's all about me, baby. Yes, I know that attitude, as I type with a left hand in brace and ice on my lefrt sholdure, will change tomorrow. But for now? I am SOOOOOO outta of here.
Mizz Angela has left the building! Boyz? Don't even try and call her numerous time. I don't have international on my cell. You do have another parent. Use him. Use him for all he's worth. My world? That would be nothing. EWWWWWW.............Damn, see I have to stay! I have to stay because, well they at least need one parent! Damn! I am really sooooo screwed.
Poor Sweetie.............he just called to tell me he will be here shortly. I just informed him that I am PISSED. The nice thing? He will let me vent for days on this subject. I started earlier and his initial reply was that kids take everything for granted and ARE selfish! But, in his infamous words: You spoiled them just like I spoiled mine. You only have yourself to blame. I do love real men. He is right! Damn!
Damn, I love that man! Thank you, Guardian Angel, Saint Joseph, whomever, my Grand Ma's? For sending me someone who truely cares about me! Ciao! Angela...........
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
It Could be Worse
I was sorta kinda writing the other day about beeing happy........at least for that day. And, I seriouls should count my blessings and realize that not everything is completely screwed up. Seriously, it could be worse. I don't think I would want to experience WORSE, because this is bad enough, but it really could be worse.
I love surfing blogs in my spare time and have ran across several that I really enjoy reading. I like true life, diary stories. Some blogs out there are just weird. The ones I hate and just simply can not read are those written by seriously depressed teenagers. The ones that "cut" themselves are the most disparaging. Wow, we have an epidemic of seriously depressed kids. Very scary.
I have also "googled" women's divorce stories and have stumbled on several that are very interesting. I will get back to this topic in just a sec.
But these anti-women ones? Wow!!!!!!! I stumbled upon The Eternal Bachelor. What a huge group of female hating, bitter, sexist men. The whole blog is to convince men to never marry. Good! We don't want your sorry, sexist asses. They name call. It is like they only have three words to describe the whole female race. I am sure most of you can guess: the b, c, and w word....whatever. Check them out if you want comic relief.
Regarding women who are going through divorce, contemplating it, or have surrived it are the best. I ran across one woman who has been married for 17 years to an abusive alcoholic. It is sad. I would like to think that all of us enter into a marriage with a strong notion that it will last forever. All's I ever wanted in my life was a family and a home to raise my family in. It's sad. And, I am sure adds to our epidemic of seiously depressed kids. And, I am sorry for any pain I have caused my kids. I already suffer from guilt related issues........gee, Italian and Catholic? Hmmm....that screams GUILT.
One thing positive I can say that throughout my marriage the man wasn't physically abusive. He was a self-centered, passive/ aggressive, emotionally stunted and unavailable jerk, but wasn't physically abusive. I am greatly thankful for that, I guess? That is kinda weird to be thankful that your husband didn't beat you. That should be a natural. My aunt was an abused wife and it was ugly. She was left to raise eight kids on her own.
He emotionally abused me big time! Huge! For years, I was lead to believe that I was the meanest, nastiest, no one could ever love you, person. He was wrong and wrong on so many levels. I do more for people, especially those less fortunate in a week than most people do in a life time. He still tries to emotionally beat me down. My business to him is a hobby (slam # 1). Tells his kids I never worked a day in my life...........I guess being a mother didn't count for shit and many jobs I had enabled me to work from our home and still be there for our kids.........what an ass. Oh, and the fact that he told my son that I owed so many people money that we would be broke, even after my inheritance came through. It's too bad people have to create crap to make themselves appear so much better. What a bigger ass!
But, reading all of everyone's stories make me feel better that I am not so depressed I cut myself. I feel better not seeing MY picture with a black eye on my blog. I love everyone's thoughts and passages about everyday life. We can all help eachother by reading and making comments. Family and huge group of supportive friends help all of us get through the worse aspects of our lives.
Take care everyone and be thankful for YOUR life no matter how good or bad............there is always worse.. This is not to imply, in anyway, that the blogs I have been reading make my life seem better. They just remind me to be thankfull and count mt blessings for what we all can take for granted. Ciao. Ti Amo.
I love surfing blogs in my spare time and have ran across several that I really enjoy reading. I like true life, diary stories. Some blogs out there are just weird. The ones I hate and just simply can not read are those written by seriously depressed teenagers. The ones that "cut" themselves are the most disparaging. Wow, we have an epidemic of seriously depressed kids. Very scary.
I have also "googled" women's divorce stories and have stumbled on several that are very interesting. I will get back to this topic in just a sec.
But these anti-women ones? Wow!!!!!!! I stumbled upon The Eternal Bachelor. What a huge group of female hating, bitter, sexist men. The whole blog is to convince men to never marry. Good! We don't want your sorry, sexist asses. They name call. It is like they only have three words to describe the whole female race. I am sure most of you can guess: the b, c, and w word....whatever. Check them out if you want comic relief.
Regarding women who are going through divorce, contemplating it, or have surrived it are the best. I ran across one woman who has been married for 17 years to an abusive alcoholic. It is sad. I would like to think that all of us enter into a marriage with a strong notion that it will last forever. All's I ever wanted in my life was a family and a home to raise my family in. It's sad. And, I am sure adds to our epidemic of seiously depressed kids. And, I am sorry for any pain I have caused my kids. I already suffer from guilt related issues........gee, Italian and Catholic? Hmmm....that screams GUILT.
One thing positive I can say that throughout my marriage the man wasn't physically abusive. He was a self-centered, passive/ aggressive, emotionally stunted and unavailable jerk, but wasn't physically abusive. I am greatly thankful for that, I guess? That is kinda weird to be thankful that your husband didn't beat you. That should be a natural. My aunt was an abused wife and it was ugly. She was left to raise eight kids on her own.
He emotionally abused me big time! Huge! For years, I was lead to believe that I was the meanest, nastiest, no one could ever love you, person. He was wrong and wrong on so many levels. I do more for people, especially those less fortunate in a week than most people do in a life time. He still tries to emotionally beat me down. My business to him is a hobby (slam # 1). Tells his kids I never worked a day in my life...........I guess being a mother didn't count for shit and many jobs I had enabled me to work from our home and still be there for our kids.........what an ass. Oh, and the fact that he told my son that I owed so many people money that we would be broke, even after my inheritance came through. It's too bad people have to create crap to make themselves appear so much better. What a bigger ass!
But, reading all of everyone's stories make me feel better that I am not so depressed I cut myself. I feel better not seeing MY picture with a black eye on my blog. I love everyone's thoughts and passages about everyday life. We can all help eachother by reading and making comments. Family and huge group of supportive friends help all of us get through the worse aspects of our lives.
Take care everyone and be thankful for YOUR life no matter how good or bad............there is always worse.. This is not to imply, in anyway, that the blogs I have been reading make my life seem better. They just remind me to be thankfull and count mt blessings for what we all can take for granted. Ciao. Ti Amo.
Friday, March 9, 2007
It's Scary and I hate it.....such a strong word!
I am a very strong woman. I have always been a very strong woman, except for the few years Joesph (Joey) was in my life. Oh, and when my ex and I FIRST separrated. But I have always been strong. Why do I feel so weak? I have the answer to this question. I just feel beat to death. My health? Hmm, not knowing what is wrong.....just speculation and I should not stress out. Well, get me in immediately to have my left breast reduced to a peanut, again, and an ultra-sound......and I won't stress out.
Ex: Give me my home. you know? The one that your kids reside in?!!!! The one where your pets reside in?!!!!! The one I am not giving up?!!!! The one I have to re-do? The one I pay all of the mortage and bills? You know? That one!
My attorney SAYS I have a good chance of retaining it. But, I hate all of these unanswered questions. I hate uncertainty and insecurity. I like to wake up each morning and know that my paper awaits me. Coffee is right behind. I hate the unknown. I am sorry, it is scary and it makes me feel weak. I am a creature of habbit.
You think of all the things you want to do and you tell yourself, after you get the clean bill of health, that you will actually do them. Do them, damn it.
My List:
Join that gym.....you may not need it, but everyone else wants it.
Go back to school.....you work too hard and soon ex-asshole is going to cut you from medical benefits.......what is wrong with this great country?????
Sing again! Damn, you love music AND you CAN sing. Everyone tells you so and is amazed at that voice that comes from your little body! Damn, that was always your love!
Hug your kids every day and every minute of the day. Tell them just how much you love them and how much you know that they love you! They choose to be with you, right? That is a compliment, right?
Hold on to your Sweetie......remind him of the song, ironically the song I thought of for him. You know? This Is For The Lover In You.........Shalamar. Keep telling him you DO want the ring.......marriage? Nah.....I don't know if I want to that again. We talk about it........reality? Too Freaking Scary! Once was severly bad! I don't like to repeat mistakes, intentionally.
But, we do love eachother. We live for eachother. So why not? Hmm.....that would mean marrying again. I just don't knwo.
Take that trip to Italy!!!!!!!!!! You have always wantd to go, so why not? You have the money! Oh, I know. I can't take "said minor child" out of the state let alone the country. That will change soon since he's a 1% parent. Hmmmn, maybe when this all over I can take said minor child AND get married, again. Amalfi Coast?!!!!!! That would be the best and an hour trip east to see where my grandparents were born. That would be cool!
Men, and this is free advise. Meaning, don't pay some overpriced lawyer to tell you this. Be involved in your kids' lives. No matter how big or small. Think PATERNAL instincts. Very natural and basic. Don't pay someone to tell you this!
But all in all: Don;t take this life for granted. Live your dreams, hopes. loves. desires. Be happy and take nothing for granted!' It's o.k. to cry. It's o.k. to have a weak moment and feel scared. Look around you! Damn,it. You would really miss this shit! Even though, at times you want to run as fast and far from it all! But, you love it because it is your life! Damn, it!
Ex: Give me my home. you know? The one that your kids reside in?!!!! The one where your pets reside in?!!!!! The one I am not giving up?!!!! The one I have to re-do? The one I pay all of the mortage and bills? You know? That one!
My attorney SAYS I have a good chance of retaining it. But, I hate all of these unanswered questions. I hate uncertainty and insecurity. I like to wake up each morning and know that my paper awaits me. Coffee is right behind. I hate the unknown. I am sorry, it is scary and it makes me feel weak. I am a creature of habbit.
You think of all the things you want to do and you tell yourself, after you get the clean bill of health, that you will actually do them. Do them, damn it.
My List:
Join that gym.....you may not need it, but everyone else wants it.
Go back to school.....you work too hard and soon ex-asshole is going to cut you from medical benefits.......what is wrong with this great country?????
Sing again! Damn, you love music AND you CAN sing. Everyone tells you so and is amazed at that voice that comes from your little body! Damn, that was always your love!
Hug your kids every day and every minute of the day. Tell them just how much you love them and how much you know that they love you! They choose to be with you, right? That is a compliment, right?
Hold on to your Sweetie......remind him of the song, ironically the song I thought of for him. You know? This Is For The Lover In You.........Shalamar. Keep telling him you DO want the ring.......marriage? Nah.....I don't know if I want to that again. We talk about it........reality? Too Freaking Scary! Once was severly bad! I don't like to repeat mistakes, intentionally.
But, we do love eachother. We live for eachother. So why not? Hmm.....that would mean marrying again. I just don't knwo.
Take that trip to Italy!!!!!!!!!! You have always wantd to go, so why not? You have the money! Oh, I know. I can't take "said minor child" out of the state let alone the country. That will change soon since he's a 1% parent. Hmmmn, maybe when this all over I can take said minor child AND get married, again. Amalfi Coast?!!!!!! That would be the best and an hour trip east to see where my grandparents were born. That would be cool!
Men, and this is free advise. Meaning, don't pay some overpriced lawyer to tell you this. Be involved in your kids' lives. No matter how big or small. Think PATERNAL instincts. Very natural and basic. Don't pay someone to tell you this!
But all in all: Don;t take this life for granted. Live your dreams, hopes. loves. desires. Be happy and take nothing for granted!' It's o.k. to cry. It's o.k. to have a weak moment and feel scared. Look around you! Damn,it. You would really miss this shit! Even though, at times you want to run as fast and far from it all! But, you love it because it is your life! Damn, it!
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
To Health, Salud! Part 2
A few weeks ago, (see older post)...I posted a blog to health. Everyone should not take his or her health for granted and thank God everyday for good health. Mine, up until recently, has been great. Except for the hypoglycemia/(now called pre-diabetes) thing. That's an easy one. Diet and exercise. Eat several small meals a day and you won't pass out. Also, don't gain any weight. Keep within the norm of your size. And exercise! My (hobby..ex husband's reference, not mine) Done.
Well, now I get to go back to the "Breast Imaging" place and have new pictures taken and an ultra-sound. They do not visually see any lumps, but "there has been a change in the tissue from your last mamogram."
Why can't anyone elaborate on this new finding? Why must I ask the same question about 10 different ways (in the event I am not communicating my question properly)? Why do I get the same answer to the question.....a change in tissue. What the hell does that mean and if you, med tech. or whatever you are can not answer this, would you please give me to someone who can?
These are my boobs, for Christ's sake. Women have been conditioned from day one to take matters like this seriously. The "experts" stress early detection and prevention. So, why can't you make my appointment, hmmmmmm let's say, TOMORROW???? Why the end of the month?
This is pure abuse and torture. Besides all the other crap and stress that THAT crap has brought on, I get to lay awake each night (I already have insomnia issues) praying to God that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. I need to be here for my kids. Certainly can't rely on "father of the year" to step up to the plate and care for them. Damn!
Years ago, there was a great line from Law and Order...the original. The Lt. lady said that there were two women on this planet in referrence to breast cancer or disease. Those that have it and those that are praying to God they don't get it!
I certainly must agree!
Well, now I get to go back to the "Breast Imaging" place and have new pictures taken and an ultra-sound. They do not visually see any lumps, but "there has been a change in the tissue from your last mamogram."
Why can't anyone elaborate on this new finding? Why must I ask the same question about 10 different ways (in the event I am not communicating my question properly)? Why do I get the same answer to the question.....a change in tissue. What the hell does that mean and if you, med tech. or whatever you are can not answer this, would you please give me to someone who can?
These are my boobs, for Christ's sake. Women have been conditioned from day one to take matters like this seriously. The "experts" stress early detection and prevention. So, why can't you make my appointment, hmmmmmm let's say, TOMORROW???? Why the end of the month?
This is pure abuse and torture. Besides all the other crap and stress that THAT crap has brought on, I get to lay awake each night (I already have insomnia issues) praying to God that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. I need to be here for my kids. Certainly can't rely on "father of the year" to step up to the plate and care for them. Damn!
Years ago, there was a great line from Law and Order...the original. The Lt. lady said that there were two women on this planet in referrence to breast cancer or disease. Those that have it and those that are praying to God they don't get it!
I certainly must agree!
Friday, March 2, 2007
Cars, Trains and Teenagers
I remember when I was younger, my girlfriends and I would talk about what our first car would be. Of course, most of my friends wanted a Corvette (one actually bought one, daddy was GM of a Chevy dealership) but most wanted the typical early 80's Camero or Trans Am............(don't even get me started on the "up on block" or "lawn ornament" jokes). Neither of which, I wanted. I wanted a small sprorts car. I bought one......a pretty cool Celica (for that era) which years later, bought another one. Now, I own a fully loaded (my baby) Solara. I call it "My Grown Up Version of a Celica". I love that car. That is, however, when I can actually drive it. Boy#1 thinks it's his.
But, anyway.......I am sick of cars and sick of the teenagers (and just a few minutes ago) adults who drive them. I can actually see how road rage occurs. I do not condone it. Radios and CD players were invented to help take the edge off, but I can see what BRINGS people to road rage. I just had two different people within a half a block of each incident almost plow into my car, But, that is not what I writing about.
I am trying to buy my oldest a car so he will leave mine alone and have something to get to college....sounds easy, right? No! First, I had to fight for the title (see earlier posts) to sell my SUV to help purchase a more economical and reliable car for him. I found one, or so, I thought. In fact, if I did not buy my Solara and seriously needed a car in that price range, I would have bought the car for me. Very clean and sharp. Touble with that situation is, I took it to my mechanic (thank you, God for this honest and trusting man) and he found a head-gasket leak. A very serious head-gasket leak. $1800. Head Gasket leak! I am in no way, shape or form a mechanic but even I know, that's not a good thing. So, the deal is done.....forget about it.
With boy #1, I am back to square one surfing Craig's list, the paper, whatever. But, I am so tired of cars. And what is up with the salvaged title? Please!
Now, we have boy#2. Their tastes are so completely opposite. Which is fine, not everyone, thank God has Champagne taste on a beer budget. A few months ago, he talked his father and me into a "hippie bus". I basically got what I paid for but was hoping that he could take a few auto-shop classes and kinda make this a project. He loves working with his hands and is fairly intelligent, no patience, but he can figure things out. The school wouldn't let him take the class. Instead, he was put in an upper-division foreign language class. Sounds more practical? Maybe. But, I do believe we have created an entire generaton of kids that their only choice in life is to be a CEO of some company. Yeah, whatever. Mechanics make a pretty good living. But I guess, we as a society would hate to see our off-spring do something sooooo menial. Again, whatever. It's an honest living....well, at least I have an honest mechanic.
I take his car into the shop today and just to get it up to "legal and safe running status," I am looking at a few grand. Is it worth it? My opinion is definitely, no. His? Kids just don't get it. I guess if it was his money we were talking about, things would be different.
Alls that I have to say to anyone who reads this blog and that have kids under 12, enjoy them!!!!!! Enjoy the hell out of them!!!!!! Try and find some majic potion that will inhibit them from becomming teenagers or young adults. I seriously wish I could have. How I long for the days that I came home from work and almost broke my ankle on a train or train tracks. How I wish for the days that they were playing with Hot Wheels as opposed to the real deal. Hot Wheels were so much cheaper, more reliable AND, definitely, safer.
Parents:::::::: Enjoy those little ones! They may seem demanding, unreasonable, even sometimes unlikable. But, thank God, each and everynight for them and the fact that they are not TEENAGERS! Yuck!
But, anyway.......I am sick of cars and sick of the teenagers (and just a few minutes ago) adults who drive them. I can actually see how road rage occurs. I do not condone it. Radios and CD players were invented to help take the edge off, but I can see what BRINGS people to road rage. I just had two different people within a half a block of each incident almost plow into my car, But, that is not what I writing about.
I am trying to buy my oldest a car so he will leave mine alone and have something to get to college....sounds easy, right? No! First, I had to fight for the title (see earlier posts) to sell my SUV to help purchase a more economical and reliable car for him. I found one, or so, I thought. In fact, if I did not buy my Solara and seriously needed a car in that price range, I would have bought the car for me. Very clean and sharp. Touble with that situation is, I took it to my mechanic (thank you, God for this honest and trusting man) and he found a head-gasket leak. A very serious head-gasket leak. $1800. Head Gasket leak! I am in no way, shape or form a mechanic but even I know, that's not a good thing. So, the deal is done.....forget about it.
With boy #1, I am back to square one surfing Craig's list, the paper, whatever. But, I am so tired of cars. And what is up with the salvaged title? Please!
Now, we have boy#2. Their tastes are so completely opposite. Which is fine, not everyone, thank God has Champagne taste on a beer budget. A few months ago, he talked his father and me into a "hippie bus". I basically got what I paid for but was hoping that he could take a few auto-shop classes and kinda make this a project. He loves working with his hands and is fairly intelligent, no patience, but he can figure things out. The school wouldn't let him take the class. Instead, he was put in an upper-division foreign language class. Sounds more practical? Maybe. But, I do believe we have created an entire generaton of kids that their only choice in life is to be a CEO of some company. Yeah, whatever. Mechanics make a pretty good living. But I guess, we as a society would hate to see our off-spring do something sooooo menial. Again, whatever. It's an honest living....well, at least I have an honest mechanic.
I take his car into the shop today and just to get it up to "legal and safe running status," I am looking at a few grand. Is it worth it? My opinion is definitely, no. His? Kids just don't get it. I guess if it was his money we were talking about, things would be different.
Alls that I have to say to anyone who reads this blog and that have kids under 12, enjoy them!!!!!! Enjoy the hell out of them!!!!!! Try and find some majic potion that will inhibit them from becomming teenagers or young adults. I seriously wish I could have. How I long for the days that I came home from work and almost broke my ankle on a train or train tracks. How I wish for the days that they were playing with Hot Wheels as opposed to the real deal. Hot Wheels were so much cheaper, more reliable AND, definitely, safer.
Parents:::::::: Enjoy those little ones! They may seem demanding, unreasonable, even sometimes unlikable. But, thank God, each and everynight for them and the fact that they are not TEENAGERS! Yuck!
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