20+ years of meanigful crap

Bit of a harsh title?
Yeah!
I have so many projects going. Where to begin and what to complete and what have I fininshed? None of those questions I could possibly answer. Why? Like everyone on this planet...I am overwhelmed.

I got new windows today!!!!! Boring? You might think? Yeah, in perspective it is boring. But I have waited 20+ years to do any of the important upgrades on my house that many people do every 5-10 years. Lack of money was usually the main reason for procrastinating but mainly procrastination on both mine and my soon to be ex's part. Yes, I will share partial blame.........only partial.

My whole life, and I will be 43 some time this year, I only wanted a home and a family. My boys mean the world to me. Spoiled rotten and probably, but hopefully not, will not make great life partners. They are Mamma boys through and through. And spoiled. Mamma (that would be me) is a professional chef, who specializes in Italian food and they love to eat and they eat good. But enough of that. You will hear that all through my ramblings. Plus, I don't want to be lumped into a dark haired version of "Growing up Ghotti." They will and their spoiledness come up quite often.

So back to windows and 20+ years of meaningful crap. I am going through a nasty, horrible divorce. Are any of divorces good? Several years ago, I was seriously under the misconception that mine might fit under that category. But, boy was I delusional. Actuallty, pretty damn crazy and naive that I would buck the norm or any statistic.

See, I was 21 when I got married. I seriously, at the ripe old age, thought that I would be an old maid and that I HAD to get married. I HAD to have someone to share my life with. Unfortunately, a part of me today still believes that. I WANT and HAVE to HAVE someone to share my life with. And, by the greatness and goodness of God, I have found another. So much, thank God, unlike the other.

But, after window boy left, nice guy, did some catering for his family, but flaked on me several times, I decided I would start cleaning out an antique buffet that has housed my personl papers, pictures of my kids from, oh, their first breath of life and wrapping paper from Christmases of long ago...........seriously, long ago.

I asked the rhetorical question.............my grandma, who has been deceased since 1999, would she really care that I threw away the paper I wrapped a gift for her in shortly before she died? Probably not! Who would? But that's me.......typical Cancer....can't get rid of anything. Probably that'swhy I have been separated for 5 years and still have not filed for divorce. That will be soon, though. Very soon!

Anyhoo, it was tough. Seeing thoses two lovely boys, now, almost men, so tiny and sweet and all those smiling faces. They made me cry and cry hard. How I wish my family would have remained intact but........well, sometimes, it's just not meant to be and not for a lack of trying, I might add. I just don't know what went wrong. Yeah, I do and those are other stories that I will share.

It's easier for me to share, now. I still cry. I still get angry and the resentment..........did I mention the resentment? Even though I am happy in my current relationship, I still have pangs of resentment that can creep up at the strangest time and basically paralyze me with fear, anxiety and this horrible feeling that, at this moment, I can not put into words. Sure, they will come, but not now.

Well, my work is cut out for me. I have my dining room in shambles and ready to be put in boxes so the contractors (rip offs) can start the remodel project that I have wanted for 20+ years. I have unloaded not just candles, paper, knick knacks, but also some emotional baggage that I have been dealing with all day. It feels good. The first time I have kicked back since I woke up this morning. Ate my left-over Gumbo......Italian Girl made a great Gumbo last night.....and I got to do what I haven't done in so long. And that would be writing..........I have a ton of old diaries that I started when I first separrated. Now, we will digress.....go back in the past and see what brought me to where I am today. A so much happier place.