Until Death Do Us Part

I am just trying to absorb everything that happened yesterday. I feel as though a whirlwind of some sort has hit me and has blown me towards this huge black door with this huge metal handle that I am afraid to turn. I am petrified of opening this door and seeing what is really behind it. Whatever awaits behind this door is frightening, causing me great anxiety because, I know.......it's change.

I went to a "settlement meeting" yesterday. This is a type of meeting where my lawyer, myself, my ex's lawyer and him all sit at this big table and try to reach some agreement regarding our kids and property. It's very stressfull. You don't know what to expect because each party is being "secretive" and can not reveal their game plan until this big day. Actually, viewing it as humanly possible according to Angie Logic: I just wonder how two people who were once in love, shared two kids together, a house, three cats and a pain in the ass dog let it get this far. Sitting across from one another squabbling over bull shit, trivial crap such as a credit card issued jointly, back in the mid 1980's, that had been paid in full for several years. His attorney tried this and thankfully, mine squelched it before it became an issue. A very trivial, waste of time issue. His attorney is a clown.

This meeting dragged on for three hours and in the end? I have my house. Yes, that is what I wanted and always wanted.......but? I am sad.

The reasons for my sadness and my bewilderment have to do with the trade offs for "getting" the house.

My ex? He no longer has to pay child support. His co-payments for his kids' secondary education are very limited as well. He will still pay their medical insurance premiums and will only support them monetarily as he deems necessarry.

In other words? According to Angie Logic? All parental responsibility and The House..........are mine. In essecents, they really have always been mine....but he claimed that he contributed to some degree....I guess to make him feel better? To massage his conscience? I dunno.

The man did exactly what I always knew he wanted to do: Rid himself of all responsibility as a man and a father.

I know he loves these boys...........I do know this.......but? I just can't put into words. It's sad. In the process of divorcing me I firmly believe his kids have been "divorced" as well. I can't describe my feelings.......it's just strange.

Ironically, when I got home from our meeting my mail had arrived. He sent me a mother's day card thanking me for always being there for our boys and being a great mother. He also sent one to MY mother thanking her for the same thing.

I did the "big girl" thing and called him up and thanked him. Yes, it was a nice gesture. It was thoughful and I should just take it for what it is. But? Of course, I psycho-analyze everything to death and just wonder........are the cards another way to make HIM feel better? Another way to massage HIS conscience? I'll never know. I should just move on and not delve into the subject any further. They're cards for the Love of God....accept them and move on.

Now............well, with all of these "new" responsibilities I have.......( I am sorry, they are not new. They are the same ones I always had for the last 20 years. They have just "legally" shifted to me because some legal document will state that..........) Wow! I definitely will have to close my business because, yes, I will need more money to foot the bill for everything! Yes..........everything.

My ex will have to attend parenting classes. I made that very clear. There will be graduations, weddings (hopefully not for a very long time) grand children, etc. Even with a document stating our marriage is dissolved, I will always be somewhat "attached" to this man until? Death Do Us Part.

I think I will cry now. This is all so overwhelming! Too bad it's very early in the day because a glass of wine would be just what the doctor would order.