One Step at a Time

Today, the "Breast Imaging Center" called and scheduled my biopsy for the first Monday in April. Thank God it is the day AFTER April Fools because I am glad to not be the butt of anyone's "humor." I know, it's no joking matter and no one, in their professional office would even attempt to try out their "humor game" on something so serious. I guess it's just my way of trying to deal with the situation.

This proceedure seems just awful. I have had an appendectomy (?) when I was 18, gave birth to two children, the first was too intense and I wish my "labor" experience on no one. But, I think this is going to really suck. Really suck. Scarry Suck, as well. At least when labor is through you get to see the end result, immediately and the pain you felt, hmmm, 20 seconds ago? is just a faded memory that you can recall virtually every detail for the rest of your life. Weird.

And, I am scared. Within forty eight hours, I should have my results. Hopefully, negative on the cancer end but positive results for me. That would mean, no cancer. Period. Just a precautionary measure. Confusing? Stay tuned.

Sweetie and I were sitting outside Monday and enjoying the evening over "brew-pub" food and, for me, a glass of wine. The nights are sure getting warmer. We were sitting at this, oh about 16" round table, perhaps a little smaller but not much. I explained to him that this was my plate. And my plate was full........I don't want anything else on my plate. Nothing! My plate is really that big. It is not some 8" dinner plate. Damn, I would be happy with a charger, but not some out door table thing. I explained to him that I am at the end of my rope and can not deal with any other crisis that would not surprise me, to fall on my head. I told him that, for the first time in my life, I felt I really needed to talk with someone, professionally.

I have my girlfriends, my mother and him.......but I wanted advise from someone who is a trained professional on, basically, how to cope. Please, help me cope with all of this without seriously hurting myself, or say someone at Home Depot...hypothetically, that just pisses me off. Help me take a few steps back, perhaps count to ten, or whatever, just help me to contain my composure and not fly off the handle. My Italian temper can flare at the damnest times! Not an anger management problem, just a lack of patience. Oh, I forgot the emotional, break into tears thing and let others know that you aren't as strong as you claim. Another stero-typical Italian, woman thing. Don't want to go there.

But, more importantly............help me cope with my ex's attitude. Don't let me make an ass of myself in court or mediation because he has controlled the situation by saying something so blatantly incredulous or stupid that he has succeeded in pressing all of the right and or wrong buttons. This is kinda like the half full/empty glass concept. It is a point of view.

This is also, I am sure, what he is hoping for. He would love to see me jump out of chair and be in his face scraming. I won't let him control this any further. I need to have composure and CONTROL.

She's helping. The best part is? According to ex...........I am unstable. HaHa I am not!!!!! Not. She needed to put some diagnosis down so the insurance people will continue to pay....but nothing major.

Diagnosis: I am experiencing anxiety and insomia due to marital strife and impending medical procedures. Yes, that's true. Sweetie wasn't here last night and I woke up at 4:00 am and could not go back to sleep. I have experienced insomnia issues for about 6 years....off and on. I actually know, besides stress, what causes my insomnia. A completely different story.

But I am not emotionally disturbed like the ex would like me to believe. Anyone think he is TRYING to make me insane? In California, there are only two reason for disillusion of marriage: Irreconciable differences and insanity. Hmmmmmmm?

The wonderful part was hearing her tell me (I already knew this, but I guess I was seeking "validation") is that he minimizes me, my feelings and invalidates everything I do. I used to tell him this. This is emotional abuse and I didn't need to pay anyone to tell me this, but it sure boosted my self-esttem and squelched all of that self doubt I was suffering from. My $10.00 co-pay wasn't going to do too much damage, either.

Also??????? He is narcisitic. Gee, I knew that one as well............She also threw in passive/aggressive (duh!) and suffers from control issues.

Well, he no longer gets to control the situation. I have postponed, until May, and legal matters so I can deal with my health. His attorney advised him of this and he left me a message stating: "I have my perfect excuse to stall matters."

Nice, huh?

To hell with him.

I am now trying to deal with all that is on my plate. Besides my boyz, my health is my first priority and everything else can just wait. I seriously do not care. It will all be here in the morning, when I wake up. It's not going anywhere. Kinda like dirty laundry or dishes. They will always be there.

My ex? His quick resolution to end our marriage, on his terms? That will still be there and will be dealt with when I feel comfortable to deal with.

Give me my clean bill of health, please God! and sometime to "learn" how to deal with attitudes and we can move forward. I do hope she can teach an old dog new tricks.

I am going to go have a nice dinner with Sweetie and enjoy some great company.

Next week, I get hypnotized on how to deal with ex..............kinda a rold play thing but under hypnosis. Hypnosis is kinda fun. My major in college was social sciences with a huge psychology emphasis.

Everyone have a great weekend..............and think positively and be thankful for all of your blessings. Say a little prayer for me, please?

Ciao! Angie