It's Scary and I hate it.....such a strong word!

I am a very strong woman. I have always been a very strong woman, except for the few years Joesph (Joey) was in my life. Oh, and when my ex and I FIRST separrated. But I have always been strong. Why do I feel so weak? I have the answer to this question. I just feel beat to death. My health? Hmm, not knowing what is wrong.....just speculation and I should not stress out. Well, get me in immediately to have my left breast reduced to a peanut, again, and an ultra-sound......and I won't stress out.

Ex: Give me my home. you know? The one that your kids reside in?!!!! The one where your pets reside in?!!!!! The one I am not giving up?!!!! The one I have to re-do? The one I pay all of the mortage and bills? You know? That one!

My attorney SAYS I have a good chance of retaining it. But, I hate all of these unanswered questions. I hate uncertainty and insecurity. I like to wake up each morning and know that my paper awaits me. Coffee is right behind. I hate the unknown. I am sorry, it is scary and it makes me feel weak. I am a creature of habbit.

You think of all the things you want to do and you tell yourself, after you get the clean bill of health, that you will actually do them. Do them, damn it.

My List:
Join that gym.....you may not need it, but everyone else wants it.
Go back to school.....you work too hard and soon ex-asshole is going to cut you from medical benefits.......what is wrong with this great country?????
Sing again! Damn, you love music AND you CAN sing. Everyone tells you so and is amazed at that voice that comes from your little body! Damn, that was always your love!
Hug your kids every day and every minute of the day. Tell them just how much you love them and how much you know that they love you! They choose to be with you, right? That is a compliment, right?
Hold on to your Sweetie......remind him of the song, ironically the song I thought of for him. You know? This Is For The Lover In You.........Shalamar. Keep telling him you DO want the ring.......marriage? Nah.....I don't know if I want to that again. We talk about it........reality? Too Freaking Scary! Once was severly bad! I don't like to repeat mistakes, intentionally.
But, we do love eachother. We live for eachother. So why not? Hmm.....that would mean marrying again. I just don't knwo.
Take that trip to Italy!!!!!!!!!! You have always wantd to go, so why not? You have the money! Oh, I know. I can't take "said minor child" out of the state let alone the country. That will change soon since he's a 1% parent. Hmmmn, maybe when this all over I can take said minor child AND get married, again. Amalfi Coast?!!!!!! That would be the best and an hour trip east to see where my grandparents were born. That would be cool!

Men, and this is free advise. Meaning, don't pay some overpriced lawyer to tell you this. Be involved in your kids' lives. No matter how big or small. Think PATERNAL instincts. Very natural and basic. Don't pay someone to tell you this!

But all in all: Don;t take this life for granted. Live your dreams, hopes. loves. desires. Be happy and take nothing for granted!' It's o.k. to cry. It's o.k. to have a weak moment and feel scared. Look around you! Damn,it. You would really miss this shit! Even though, at times you want to run as fast and far from it all! But, you love it because it is your life! Damn, it!