My Chi Chi's and the Boyz They Fed

What a day! That is because I think I am at a loss for words and can not express my day in words. I know how I feel, but I just can not put it into words. Or, at least the correct words. I know I am scared. Very scared.

I went for my second mammogram and ultrasound. I actually, and I am in no way a radiologist, could see the nodule myself. It's there. But when they did the ultrasound, they could not find it. O.K. That's good and it's bad. Good, because, hell, there may be nothing there. In my world, that would be great!. Nothing there. Bad, because it's on the mammogram and the radiologist can not detect it on the ultrasound and if she could, she would know what it is. Or, what it could be. If she could find it, she could identify it as, perhaps, a cyst, or something else. But, she can't. I guess when we attach lables to things, we can get a clearer picture as to what they are. Doesn't make much sense.......but?

So, now, I get to have a biopsy. There will be a small incision made and fluid and tissue drawn from my left breast and examined under a microscope. Pretty freaking scarry, in my world. And, right now, I hate my world. But, I am told "that most likely it's nothing, because we aren't seeing anything. But, we want to make sure."

O.K......better to be safe than sorry. I guess? Yes, I do guess. But, it is still pretty freaking scary.

I am so glad my mother went with me. She was the cool, rational one while I was suffering from anxiety and hysteria. She was great. In the car, she kept reminding me of calming down and that there was nothing wrong. Chill! I thank her for being there for me. She can drive me crazy, moms do that......but I love her!

The ex........I was talking about forgiveness? I was. WAS. He came over today to help the boyz with something. Bad mistake. I have been told or I should say "advised" to encourage him to be involved in their lives. Well, I told him my situation. I told him earlier about the first mammogram and he encouraged me to keep him informed. I told him about all of the stress I am having and so forth. I have been advised to do this. Fuck that!!!!!!

I actually changed "fucking" to "freaking" a few paragraphs ago, but fuck that, too!!!!! I need to be me. And, I don't say "freaking." Period! I am sorry for cussing but, oh-the-fuck- well. I think after my day, and being a grown up, I am entitled to use the word "fucking".

But back to ex.......I seriously do not know that man. He has changed and changed for the worse. He is the biggest asshole God has put on this polluted planet and I seriously do not know what I ever saw in him. The only thing I have to show from this relationship are two kids that I truely love. I don't really like them right now, but I do love them. But, the way he acted and what he said while I told him (advised, again) about my current situation is just deplorable.

No compassion.......void of any human sympathy or compassion that most "normal" people would express even upon hearing this about their worst enemy. It's all my fault. He said that if my life wasn't so screwed up (he's screwed it, royally), I would not be experiencing my current health issues.

Why?

Let's begin.

I am crazy. Not crazy....like damn, she's crazy.......crazy angie..........no certifiable crazy, according to him. Fucking Nut/Whack Job.

He once expressed this to our older son (he actually labled me...unstable) and I point blank asked the bastard why, then if I am so crazy /unstable you are not trying to get 100% custody of your said minor child? No answer. None. Being a parent, especially on a full time basis would definitely put a cramp in his life. He would have to be there. He would have to be involved. He would have to be a parent, for once.

I smoke. I am somewhat of a closet smoker....but I do smoke. And, yes, I drink wine. All of my "vices" were thrown at me as well. Trust me, anyone would have to cop a buzz to be near this man and we won't go into the latter part of my marriage on how copping a buzz was the only way I could stomach sex. You can't be too amorous with someone you seriously want to push a pillow in their face and hold it so very tightly for a long, long time. You need a buzz........and a good one at that!

I find it so weird.......again, for lack of better words....disgusting? Maybe. That when someone has no leg to stand on, they make up stuff to appear better that the other party involved.

Why? (yes, I know several fragments).

Now, my youngest son is very pissed off his father and me, but he tends to take it out on me. Well, he lives with me and I get to the good and the bad. I am not Disney Land. I am the main parent. I get the good and the bad. Today, was bad. His words: We act like Jack-offs........wow!

I am not feeling sorry for myself; this is reality. I am scared and still wonder why am I fighting? Yes, I know, it's in my nature. I have always been a fighter.....and a lover.......but I am fighter.

I will fight, for what reasons, I seriously do not know. I am sure as I continue to write I will find the real answers. I know the majority reasons are for my kids, my home and to always try and create an environment where everyone is safe and secure. Safe from the outside world. A place that both my boyz, at any point of their adult and soon to be adult lives can come back to and be safe. A place where I can be safe and happy.

I will fight for my heatlth and the continuation of my health care benefits........yes, said asshole has control over that. But I will still fight. I need the insurance. Right now, getting health isurance on my own, with a "pre- existing condition" may be a huge challeng that I can NOT fight.

What is wrong with this country and no universal health care?????? Yes, I am a liberal. I use the "L" word and am proud of it. Religious right??:::::: Jesus was the first liberal.........shhhhhhh.......pass it along.

I am not one of those "protect me from myself liberals" or a "nimby" (not in my back yard) but a true liberal. Equality. We live in the greatest and richest country and we, sorry, are all equals. My grandparents came here to give me a better life, and yes, they did.......but damn! Health care????? That is an easy one.

But most of all, I will fight for the future of my family. Their love, support, respect and their well being. That is my fight. I found it! And, the good part? I never lost it!

Forgiveness? Even if you don't love me anymore? Fuck that! I will forgive YOU for ME and only ME...........That will come soon, for ME. Because? I need it. It will definitely make ME healthier. I seriously don't care about you! Forgiving you for being the vile piece of human waste that you are will come many years later! I most likely will be dead......burried in my grave.......but, it will come..............one day. I finally get control over something.

Now..........I get to wait for said minor child to come home. I am not proud that he left...to get away (from his jack off parents) and cool down but, I still worry. I know I should have "forced" the issue and made him stay. But, he is almost a grown man. And, well, he's bigger than me. I know I AM the PARENT........but you deal with an almost 17 year old boy and on your own. It's truly hard. Maybe I should have called my pops? Please! This is not his responsibility even though he is been more of a father figure to them that their own father. i wish I would have been able to meet my Nonno.....he died right before I was born.

Thank God I have two wonderful parents that I truley love and will hate the day that they pass from my life. My pops' birthday is Saturday. Happy birthday!

To hell with advise........I will call my pops!

Oh, and Eve? You know? The chick from the Bible? That Eve! Thank you so very fucking much for eating the damn apple! You stupid, dumb ass! Do you know what shit you have caused because of your stupidity? Do you? Look around, girlfriend!

Because for whatever reason you thought was so important........you have made us the 'weaker" sex..........yeah, right, Labor?????? Oh, that was so much fun.......NOT! Aunt Flo? That hag? And my chi chi's.........Please, don't let anything be wrong with my chi chi"s.........you were one dumb ass, chick!

Dumb ass!