The Heart of the Matter......Forgiveness?

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I simply love music. I learned to play a guitar when I was very young but I mostly sang. I even won a few vocal competitions in my earlier years. My whole family has been involved in music. I married a musician........not a life I wish on anyone.

I was listening to a "smooth Jazz" station a few weeks ago....I seriously can take "smooth jazz" or leave it, but they were playing a song by India Arie. She has redone Don Henley's (Eagle dude) song: The Heart of the Matter. She does it waaayy better than the original, I think. Her vocals are very good and there is a nice groove to the song. It really made me think......Forgiveness? Even if you don't love me anymore.

I have always "tagged" a song to someone or to some event that was evident at certain points in my life. Hearing the song or songs years later would make me reflect and how far I have come from that point. Usually, from a very low point in my life, or an unhealthy relationship. I am sure most of us do this...... For me, it is a form of expression. Sometimes, we can not put into our own words the pain we feel. Someone else's words seem more descriptive or exact. Listen to any Smokey Robinson song after a break-up, you will know what I mean. He seems to get it so perfectly.

After hearing this version, I thought about my soon to be ex. We were separrated for 5 years before he beat me to the punch and filed for divorce at the end of January. I don't miss him. I did all of my crying years ago. Many years ago. I miss having my family intact. Sure, I have moved on; I have a wonderful man in my life and would not trade him for anything. But, it still hurts. Break-ups, especially after being with someone half of your life hurt. Bottom line!

Several parts really hit home.
1). And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you

2001.....was just horrible on so many levels. I lost my job first, then he lost his after many years and things just went down the toilet. We just stopped communicating. He was never one for talking things out. I was always told to either go hang with my girlfriends or call my mother. He didn't want to hear me vent........his words.

2). I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore


Again, I don't miss him.......I miss my family. I seriously can't do this on my own. And, I am scattered. Very scattered. I do need to forgive him. I just can't right now. Especially, after being served with divorce papers that were so laced with lies and feeling that I have to defend myself constantly. And, all those lies he told our kids this past year? All of the damage control I had to do and defend myself? That will definitely take some time, probably a lot of time to forgive.

I am relearning how to do things constantly. The awful part, I have to call my dad sometimes to either get involved with the kids or to help me with a "man" thing. Soon to be ex stated several months ago that he will not do a thing around here and to find someon else to get involved. (He only has a monetary interest in this home and is only a father on paper.....birth certificate). I am in my early 40's and I am still calling my father to rescue me.

Sweetie helps me, but it's not his responsibility. These are not his kids nor his home. He has helped me with both car and home repairs, but I just hate asking for help. I know he will give it, but I just hate asking. Especially, since his family depends on him so much. I have to give it to him..........he is definitely a family man.


3). This is the big one::::

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

Yes, my pride has been deeply wounded. Deeply. That started many years before we even parted. He has made me question everything. One thing I know for certain, I have been a great mother to those kids. He's tried to defame that as well. But, I know they love me. I do. Hell, they're with me constantly and if I am not here, they are calling me to find out where I am even though I just told them before I left.

Oh, the anger! Resentment should also be included, but I guess that is another songl. I have to let this anger and resentment go. It creaps up at the damnest times and cause trust issues, reclusiveness, and a myraid of health issues.

I hope that sometime, years in the future and after all of this is behind me, I can think about forgiveness. I have been told that I truley do not forgive things because I don't forget them. Do the two concepts or acts really work in unison?